Everything Else

Shattered Reflections – Rough Draft Excerpt

Kristina’s Evil Boyfriends

Kristina was a classmate who loved being the center of attention in everything. After being one of the last ones to find out about my father she tried to paint me as the same as him. Often dressing in Gothic dresses she soon threw the charge saying that on a certain day late in the evening my form climbed in to a second story window where supposedly I had my wicked way with her. Now here are some problems that the police had with this story.

  1. I cannot get to the second floor of an apartment building thought the window for I cannot climb well with my bad knee. Nor do I have the ability to fly.

  2. I would have to know where she lives.

  3. I would have had to simultaneously existed in two separate locations at two separate times because I was caught on tv at the last family event where we all went to the baseball game.

  4. One of the two of me would have to leave no trace of my existence despite being there.

  5. One of the two of hypothetical me would need transport and neither of us had cars.

The school backed the police making sure there was no charges that could be charged. I did not want to file against her thinking that people would be understanding, and get a view of the whole situation. She had gone to her exes spinning her year to anyone trying to assemble people who would still believe her. Trying to sweeten the pot she would go out with whomever defends her. Asking if she is somewhat open to sex on the first date two of her exes both nodded their head.

A bunch of hormonal teenagers were trying to get some action, and were trying to put me down as the ticket. Standing in the empty classroom the two guys had been classmates, and had heard of the situation with my father. Being the kind of girl that would only date one person it was clear that my problems were going to come at me single file.

One tried catching me in Japanese class while the teacher was out. Tasting the desktop really got him to learn his place in the grand scheme of things. Next in the line up was a second string football player who tried a tackle got too low taking a knee to the side of the head as a receipt. Exes number three and four tried catching me between classes throughout the next day, but their supposed karate did not handle well against kicks to the jewels.

Each of these guys had things in common. Most of them would be what you would deem the Hipster stereotype. Fad hopping skinny kids that never had to fight for anything or even taste their own blood. They did not understand fights, momentum, or defense better then me, and I wasn’t even that good.

Bryan was the archetype and past boyfriend number five with no experience in anything closely related to physical combat. All he had was a couple of tae kwon do lessons who wasn’t even a yellow belt, but still thought he was Van Damme. He called me out when we were both out of class. Between him getting paper and me getting a soda he tried to strike with an over the shoulder throw.

Making use your opponent has momentum working against them would be a basic thing. Getting them off balance especially when they have a wide base would make it a little easier. I was never taught by someone so I may be missing something about it. In any case this guy couldn’t move someone half my size let alone me. Attempting multiple time to get me off my feet without budging my heels from the tiles on the second floor hallway. Pulling his arm worked like a a ripcord spun him in to position grabbing him from the shoulder and his waist band before shooting his weight up before pulling him horizontal before he hit introducing him spine first to the marble tile.

Sitting out allowed the mass to get just a touch more speed before lowering the boom. The sound of the impact echoes off of the empty halls making it seemed like I was using a wrecking ball instead of another human body. He didn’t move from where he landed, and I thought it was enough. Besting someone whose down wouldn’t do me any goo. Looking to the ceiling the familiar sight of a half a black orb of the security camera. Shifting my sight down the hall there was one within ten feet. Between the two of them it had to be captured on video making it much harder to get rid of evidence. Four cracked vertebrae was the damage from that single bomb, and he was pissed. His parents were furious unsurprisingly that no charges were filed with authorities. Being physically provoked allowed me to fight back with any hand to hand technique, and a judge who was quoted in the local paper that after one attack I stopped stopping any charges of overdoing it. Exhibiting restraint in an emotional situation allowed me to be defended legally.

Knowing that you have a brittle back going in to a fight did not make your attacker responsible for the injuries provided they stop when they realize the opponent is no longer able to continue.

The principal was happy with the outcome, but he had also noticed that my issues with other students was noted by a constant hour of detention. Kristina’s whole situation was the icing on the cake while a portion of the student body between what was known about the family, and my own actions were vehement about me.

Our school district had a secondary school where a lot of the problem students go. Various other violent students, party girls, past gang members, and some current ones. The company needed someone to help the faculty, and the learning system was more acceptable to pace of learning. It also meant getting up later and leaving sooner was important because there was still times at night I had to be up.

Giving it a crack for a year it was clear that a possible that I could catch up on credits. What they meant as more accepting was really a self driven learning strategy. Each semester of credit was comprised of five packets of work and a test after each packet. New students had an option that challenged the packet of work. Passing the test with at least 80% meant you could challenge again while scoring under 80% meant you now had to commit to the work in every packet for every class while you were still there. Problem students filled the school from the various party girl, gangbanger, and other violent student groups meaning that business would still be booming.

If someone felt that the work was wasting their time then they would gladly use the challenge often times finding out that they had just wasted their only chance to skip such pains in the neck. Agreeing to go it wasn’t long before Harper joined me for the trip. His own grades were not much better, and after hearing where I was going he inquired about trying it as well. Finding a bus route was easy enough as there was a stop less then a block away all I had to was get there on time and get my work done.

During this time if there was anything that could be found out that would be useful in my opinion then I could use the phone in the office, and just dial an extension. He knew there would be some things that student was more privy to hear then a teacher no matter how attentive the students were. The secondary school had a set of downsides to be sure. Knowing I was not affiliated with any of the drug pushing gangs made it a little easier to swallow with the fact that it was hard to intimidate me even to the point of getting in to stupid fights. One of the pluses that really got my attention was detention would be wiped from the record with no way to get it there. They just did not have the room so what would get detention would just get you sent to the study room making it easy just to get things done.

Knowing my friend would be there made it better Everything was set on me going for my junior year to catch up on all the classes that were just to much work for to little pay off. More business could be done for my fellow students, and I could do other things that meant I never had to go home

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People Are Stupid, Me Too

People hate being called stupid. Sucks when people are stupid, and the only difference how much stupid is in that person’s life.

If someone were to go and try to pay their pizza delivery with monopoly money then you would say that they need to think a moment before trying such idiotic actions. You need real money nowadays for everything it seems and there will not be a whole lot that can be done unless trading becomes a more socially acceptable form of purchase. Now, when someone says they are more important in class perhaps when you were a child what would you do? If you went to a good school then tell the teacher in the most detailed fashion you could, and if you went to my school then you get suplexed down a hill while being told to suck it up or there was more where that came from.

People are not logical creatures. Have you seen what we wear sometimes? It is 2016 and we still cannot get a size chart that companies can agree on. Fifty years ago we thought we would have flying cars, and only now it feels like if we did a lot of people would get an express ticket to the afterlife. Can you think of a traffic jam in a traffic way over houses. That happens once, and things will go badly. Plus, you know there will be one person dropping little bags of flaming poo to take that prank to the next level. Because, arson is a prank.

Anyway, sometimes people are stupid we miss the point and meander like a hamster on a treadmill or use colorful sayings without people knowing what they mean. What happens is despite people trying to seem more human by using different ways of speaking we don’t seem to understand it. It is stupid that despite how many different ways we can say it that some people do not understand.

People will be stupid sometimes. It will happen to everyone. If someone says to you that they seriously have never had a stupid moment in their life then they are lying and I would get as far away. The real only difference is being a stupid person or just having stupid moments. Learning from a stupid moment really is the only thing you need to do.

Here are some of the stupid things in my life I have done just to put things in perspective: Tried to start a political party, wore white after labor day, lit myself on fire for humor, tried to figure the logistics of reciprocating light waves at different frequencies to create a new way of power plant, (Possible, by the way.) and expected a government office to do their job.

So what is the point? Despite all the dumb stuff there is good things I have learned from it. Some of the most basic things that you learn can really surprise you when your common sense decides to fly the coop. Taking those moments and still learning from them is not the sign of a stupid person. They just did stupid things. A stupid person is one who constantly repeats stupidity because they do not learn. I will not be hurt if someone looks at what they did and says it is stupid. I will be hurt if someone says I am stupid. Unless I really am stupid? Woah.

https://mrbigtanderson.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/f8904-deborah-tindle-16.jpg

 

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Politics. In America.

Before we get in to the mudslinging let me just start by stating I would rather get smacked around by the angry spirit of Bruiser Brody before actually thinking what my vote will go to. It just doesn’t seem like there really is any use. It is clear that anyone that has been a politician before does not deserve it. Maybe some do, but it has just been my experience that really they get paid to much, have too many benefits when most people are scraping to get by. All of this is my opinion mind you, so with that if you feel I am wrong then please explain in the comments.

I mean in what other field can so many people argue over so much and get so little done. What is done sometimes is useful, but in many cases people are being politicians for decades with nothing to show for it. In any job you would be fired and pushed to the unemployment line.

People have asked me multiple times how I am going to vote, and where we normally go in to a fairly political conversation I have to answer truthfully.

“I would rather stick my head in an ice block then either one.”

Because as someone who has done a little bit of volunteer work and a lot of just doing stuff out in the cities. It does not take long to find out there are some serious problems that are not being touched because it isn’t sound with someone’s reelection strategy.

One of the other things that get me, and maybe someone can correct me on this is how can we keep making new laws every year without at least removing some. What if laws contradict each other. What if one law needs another to be there to work. Why does it take a sacrifice of your soul and at least four years to start understanding the laws that should be fairly easy because we all have to abide by them.

So who am I voting for?

Who really cares because after all I will be the one making the world a better place. Best option I would think, but if you want to talk politics you can leave your opinion in the comments. Back to work for me and hope you have a good day.

 

 

 

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A Day in Portland

Before going to the Grand Prix when it rolled through my home city my father decided to take the day and hang out seeing different things that people have told me to go check out while I was working on my stuff. My father and I had started from on of the MAX stations. The MAX is our form of train that goes through the city and even reach to some of the smaller towns on each side. Buses would then work often from those stops branching out from the main train lines making transport when you cannot drive at least somewhat.

Finally though I have decided on how a rating system should work on this as well because there was a lot of different experiences. It is an easy system that explains things I think. One to ten allows a fair enough range where people can discern a little better versus maybe a five point or star system. Next would be how the numbers are in context to each other and of course all judgings are simply an opinion based on the enjoyment that was had.

Zero is the absolute worst. Getting a zero is akin to me out at the place wanting to light it on fire, and hoping whatever is built on the ashes is better. Ten is perfection. Saying something is ten out of ten is the magical euphoric moment that everything in life has been building to and my pants will be caked with the joy of a thousand angels that have cried just being in the universe when such a moment exists. In short not happening in this life time and if it does then it won’t happen that many times. Five is average and that is just the everyday place you go and leave no harm nor boon. That will happen a lot as it will be the average on my guideline.

Ground Kontrol was something as a gamer people told me to go see and how everything was the bee’s knees, but instead of being the cat’s pajamas it just belonged in the litter box. Our food was nearly thrown at us and their was near no one there. The games were okay, but after bad food we had to hit the can. It took half an hour to be buzzed in to somewhere I would rather not go again. Food was bland, second floor a fire hazard according to an experienced ex fire inspector, had to be buzzed in to. Final call 3/10

Kell’s was a stop to try getting the taste of the food with the place been around for close to a century. Being around that long one has to be good at something, and despite the couple hiccups it did not disappoint. The only two problems I had was that their lamb stew was more like a thin broth with some under cooked potatoes that seemed weird. You would expect lamb stew to be done well at an Irish place. Whiskey was good for the price and my fish and chips and scotch egg were good. Final call 6/10

Finally that leaves us to the Lovecraft bar where every thing was just not going right for us. It was hot, both of our knees were not enjoying it, my skeleton was feeling like it was made of candy corn. So walking in to a nice dark cool bar was just fine especially since they had just opened for the day, and no one was in there. It was clearly a dance bar getting ready for the night shift starting at about ten in the evening. One thing about this bar was we found out it was a vegan bar when it came to their food, but we had already eaten so we just decided to have a couple drinks. Going somewhere with only vegan food when you are not can be a bit intimidating to some, but that was not the case here. They had an amazing assortment of tea and the bartender was a very friendly young lady who answered our questions while she was organizing the booze shipment for the night. Pops enjoyed the horror theme, so much he said he was going back. I will head back here, but it may take a while since I am on the other side from the western suburbs. Not taking any food in mind, which will be done next time means a final call of 9/10.

Ground Kontrol nearly screwed up the day with how bad they were, and Lovecraft made sure the end was on a positive note.

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Typing and Games

Right now Shattered Reflections stands at about 11k words and my shoulders are already complaining about what is to come. The goal on this project is 65k to 90k erring probably on the shorter side. It is an auto biographical project that some people have asked for after finding out some of the experiences I have had. The way it is right now I am just looking at it as a good way to practice writing of that length. Considering writing is something I want to get better at and grow maybe into a career or at least something that would be interesting to try.

My typing speed has taken a nose dive because of my shoulders which sounds weird, but you need your shoulders to keep things going. Without a good base then your arm is pretty much only half of what you can do at your best, and that is weird to think about unless you need to. It will be something that will just be just needed to worked through because, and anyone that has a condition that has to deal with pain can tell you one must either handle it and use it to push or they will always be pushed because of it.

It is nice to see the old stories as well just to go back in time again for certain things. Doing a project like this provides you with some perspective that some people do not have just going through the paces in an average life. This world has too much in it to experience for people to just go through the paces month to month and year to year. Which by the way my father the self professed redneck and I decided a few weeks ago to have a single day in the city of Portland which will be an experience on here soon.

Things are going as well as as they can. Found a little time to play a little bit relaxing with one of the Ludum Dare creations called Steam Heart. It will bring a lot of memories of old Megaman games, and I played to the end of the first boss while not botching too badly. Unfortunately those are the kinds of games that I have absolutely no skill in, and boy does it show. The game is fun enough that even scrubs like me can get through the first boss somewhat easily. The controls are easy to pick up and if you like those kinds of games then please look it up on Newgrounds or even on Google.

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Opinion about privilege

According to an online study with a thousand different people this is how this post will be recieved.

So with that let’s talk about white privilege. Let us talk about male privilege. Let us talk about even playing fields and uneven ones. First, if you are using emotions to back up your opinion, and cannot understand how any counterpoints can even exist then congratulations this will be a very painful post so just go away, and actually no just let me put this here for you. If you will not like to hear anything that may hurt your sensibilities then I have at least placed a picture of a baby hippo here. If you can be mad after looking at this then you need to go and decompress before returning back to society because you have no heart.(Joke)

Image result for baby hippo

Stow the happiness though because there are somethings I need to share with ya’ll because some thing aint adding up to anything.

White privilege, does it exist ? Yes.

Black privilege, does it exist? Yes.

Male privilege? Yes.

Female privilege? Yes.

Every group of people has a set of strengths and weaknesses; privileges and problems and that’s just going to happen until people on the whole get to be a lot nicer to each other.

Every subsection of people has sets of advantages and disadvantages that over the grand scheme I would say is closer to even then most people would hate to think. Should everyone be based and judged on person by person basis. In a perfect world then yes, but I do not know when I woke up and it was perfect. The emotion is a good start though because at least that shows investment of people to try and change things. Now, if it could be focused properly most of the problems in this country could be finished in just under a week.

Now, when we talk about such privileges something that is missing is a little context. So, to help show what I am speaking from I am going to give you just the cliff notes so you understand.

I came from a household that was severly abusive in a town known for drugs and gang issues to the point that police would not show up at all despite being a couple miles away. If you were not of latin background then you were in the minority in the school system. Had a lot of social issues, physical issues, mental issues growing up. Loved ones died because of petty arguments and I have been called everything under the sun from a catholic child rapist (Many of the people in the town were raised protestant) to a terrorist to a dyke, fag, cracker. My girlfriend once died because she dated me because she was of latin descent and I was not as well as her raising protestant and mine as more catholic.

I can count most of my true friends on my fingers, and I don’t like asking for help on a whole lot. I have been fired from jobs because hiring someone else would bring them better tax breaks and even had jobs taken away from me that I wanted to work because I was not of a certain race. Girls would not date me because I was not in the same or higher tax bracket.

So a lot of the problems that a lot of people have I have seen as well, not all, but enough to at least make this post.

Life is unfair. Sad fact.

Males get paid more in some even the majority of professions, but not all. Being female also allows a slew of tactics to make one’s way up the ladder that guys don’t get to practice to often. Scholarships and grants for women do not exist for just men, at least I didn’t find one in four years of searching. If you find one then please comment with it.

There are no tax breaks for hiring those who identify as white. When companies are trying to save every penny the workforce is going to be a group of people that gets the most bang for their buck in those returns. Colleges are in the same boat many of which will have race on the table if it is worried about the bottom line. Some scholarship funds are give implicitly on race and gender as qualifying factors yet thy exist in the hundreds and thousands.

I have never been to a white lives rally without being termed a racist. In many cases even speaking about the races with a lower melanin content deems you as automatically wrong when if you had more melanin in your skin then it would be a more socially agreeable action.

If people really want to make it an even playing field then they have to give up the things that provide them advantages over others and let merit of one’s work and personality define the person. No race specific grants. No gender specific grants. No tax breaks for hiring those of different skin colors or creeds. No race or gender specific scholarships. No award for nepotism or cliques in the workplace. Companies held to a scientifically quantifiable set of statistics when talking about pay and benefits per person, and if they are skewing the numbers then they must fix it. If I could toss my pluses for an even table for all then ya I will toss those cards like a 7 -2 off suit( poker term: Worst starting hand in texas hold’em)

I don’t really care though how far things are going supposedly because I have learned how to socialize more and I know talk to people regularly now then ever before. My facebook has people from more then a dozen different countries on four continents that I chat with regularly, and that’s pretty cool to me.

Oh and if you are student of a different race and you are looking for scholarships or grants and havent had a whole lot of luck well…

http://scholarships.fastweb.com/r-african-american-students

https://www.scholarships.com/financial-aid/college-scholarships/scholarships-by-type/minority-scholarships/african-american-scholarships/

http://scholarships.fastweb.com/r-asian-or-pacific-islander-students

https://www.scholarships.com/financial-aid/college-scholarships/scholarships-by-type/minority-scholarships/american-indian-native-american-scholarships/

http://scholarships.fastweb.com/r-hispanic-students

https://www.scholarships.com/financial-aid/college-scholarships/scholarships-by-type/minority-scholarships/hispanic-scholarships/

https://www.scholarships.com/financial-aid/college-scholarships/scholarships-by-type/womens-college-scholarships-grants-and-fellowships/

Shabooski. Obviously these are not going to change for along while so people may should take advantage while they can, and just be aware that for the table to be truly even in something then everyone will need to sacrifice something for it.

With me the only thing you will be gauged one is if your an ass who will not learn or grow and make others grow around them. Red, blue, black, white, yellow, male, female, trans, furry, godlike, bottom tier, earthling, martian, royalty, or the homeless. If I got some beef and bell peppers going on then you can get a plate at my place. If you are vegan then I will just cook some bell peppers and onions with rice for ya. I will make the world a better place for us all.

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Health problems – Rant

Typing this up I feel like hell. I have collapsed four times in the past three days. My father says I have been pushing myself too hard and he is worried. My mother hasn’t even known how bad it is for a while.

I’m a fairly big guy just about 6’1 and before my latest few rounds of sickness about 320 lbs. It stands I have gained a hundred pounds without an addition of fat percentage, and I’m still at just abotu 27%. Gaining a hundred pounds nearly tends to be a bit of a question. Then I went to the hospital because it felt like I shattered my shoulder blade.

It also will feel some days like I had snapped something in my neck with the pain so intense I can’t even move. On top of this I had been throwing up a lot and altogether not in a great state of health. Combined with past injuries really the only thing that hasn’t been blasted apart is my left leg. My right leg has been ripped apart by a nasty injury someone had put on me earlier and never getting the chance to heal properly.

Anyway, I normally had the energy to at least keep trying to do things. Now, I can barely get out of bed sometimes.My typing speed has diminised because supposedly one of the side effects of this tendonitis is the arms individually going numb for hours at a time. I can’t go back to cooking because to have your arms numbed makes it difficult to use any sort of knife professionally.

No one knows what’s wrong with me. Not pre-diabetic no heart issues and blood pressure that a lot of people have to double check. (generally around 120/80) I can still walk for the most part when my knee isn’t lockedu p which with proper stretching has gotten it to hbe a rare occurance.

It just sucks being ill without anyone knowing what is wrong. The tendonitis is a symptom of something, and they do not know what. All I know now is my faith in my goals will be tested because with less energy and more pain it will start becoming a game of what can be done before one must rest. For the tendonitis to go away the doc said it will be either surgery which my still have it come back or just deal with it. The fatigue they can’t tell other then it is something going on with the body. It drives me up a wall sometimes, but if I keep trying eventually something will get better.

Sorry, had to rant.

 

 

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Risque Whiskey or Risky Whisky

So I recently wanted to get some more writing experience, help my efforts trying to network in that industry. Their was an open position for a website called The Whiskey Wash. They have not answered back after multiple attempts at contact which is fine open positions got to have a lot of people applying for it one would figure maybe I just don’t cut it. I hate to have it happen, but one can move on.

Except something caught my attention. I’m a fan of whiskey and on the web site itself their were two spellings of the word. One with the “E”and one without which I thought were strange. Normally that would dictate that someone would have majorly screwed up. It is rare though for something like a specialty site to do that so I did some research.

For anyone who reads this blog they will find I spell it w-h-i-s-k-e-y. This is the spelling found on many American and all Irish and since my whiskey experiences stem from the Jack Daniels and Jameson brands over my two and a half decades on this planet, and that would be why it seemed strange to me. W-h-i-s-k-y is the spelling used by Canada, Japan, and Scotland. If there are any other countries then I am sorry I just do not know which one you use, no insult meant.

Some people actually get legitimately angry about it like the inclusion of a single “E” can throw all their good memories they ever had with it in to the river. Going so far to insult those who use the spelling in reference to the wrong original country. Now with writing some people will only look at it and go..

“Huh, they got multiple spellings here, they can’t know about what they are writing about.”

Nope, there is a reason although it is slightly strange to see two different spellings on the same website over and again.

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Metal Gear Survive -Dead On Arrival?

So anyone even listening to game news over the past week has heard of what has happened to the Metal Gear series has heard what has happened with the new game announced with trailer Metal Gear Survive. For those who do not know let me give you the short version.

Game company did well for a while. Wanted to make money easier. Decided to put all their Ip’s (intellectual properties) in pachinko machines while showing a lot of venom to the average gamer. Pachinko laws get passed where it may be more scrutinaized and taxed and Konami wants to come back to games like nothing has happened for the sake of a better business model. Now, one way to do that is to really come back after all this and make something people want to see.

From the view of the trailer it is a game with zombies and four player co-op possibility with little flavor from the series beforehand. Which is sad considering the series itself despite its flaws had a fan base that was willing to back a release. It is most likely going to disappoint unless Konami has a major set of aces up their sleeve which it could very well be the point. Take the series somewhere it would not normally go so you can really push it in a new direction, but given the company’s actions it will be something where they will need to prove it before anyone takes their word at face value.

This game could very well be the game that gets them a second chance as a good gaming company, and if it does it would still have work to do. Konami has made enough enemies with their actions against the previous designers and employees, disrespected the fans, and overall turned in to a company where the stereotype of the money grubbing company is closer to people’s views then one with a vision and purpose. Either way I do hope they take the time to make this a good one otherwise the market just begin to turn more toxic to their products. Keeping in mind where they started coming back to gamers, that is not a good thing.

 

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What Do You Fear

People who know me will think that I am just crazy enough to seem fearless. Some people have even given me the nickname of “cyborg” because of work ethic and being calm under pressure when things count. I don’t fear things like killers or werewolves or fights. If I go down that way then I hope it is for a good reason. The world does not inspire the deep life long fear that these two things, and both stem from my past which can seem strange in just a moment though it will be explained.

First comes with a touch of backstory. A long time ago when I was still in school someone very dear to me died in a horrifying manner with me unable to help in time all i could do was hear it. Despite all of my efforts trying to change that event those who knew me before and after would describe the later one as heartless. Their were things I did that edged on the sides of brutality. What was in my way would soon be out of it with the least amount of mercy given. No quarter given for a while and some of my proudest moments came because of that no mercy style. That person that I used to be could get what I want done in a faster time, but that person had no hope for humanity he looked at them as a tool that could then be tossed at the end.

After that is the fear that I will not become who I know I can be. I need to do more, push harder, and learn faster because styaing in one place is stagnation. Stagnation is a death knell to a set of skills because if even a portion does not evolve then it will rot. The world can be so much better, and to do it in her memory I will need to put the faith in the good in humanity. Sometimes I need to convince myself somedays because that person meant so much to me that in her memory her dream will be completed through my own dream.

I wasn’t the best person to pick up her dream but in reverence when I am done the world will be a better place. To do that I will need capital so my plan of being a businessman could still yield the connections built over time. I fear going back because I need to be constantly improving in something. The odds are high that the changes may not be so big, that my business will fall, but for her it needs to at least try.

Those are the things which I guess boils down to I will not be able to grow any further and not complete any good change. The other is I get the resources needed, but it turns me in to someone without the moral compass I have now. Those are my fears, what are yours.

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