What Do You Fear

People who know me will think that I am just crazy enough to seem fearless. Some people have even given me the nickname of “cyborg” because of work ethic and being calm under pressure when things count. I don’t fear things like killers or werewolves or fights. If I go down that way then I hope it is for a good reason. The world does not inspire the deep life long fear that these two things, and both stem from my past which can seem strange in just a moment though it will be explained.

First comes with a touch of backstory. A long time ago when I was still in school someone very dear to me died in a horrifying manner with me unable to help in time all i could do was hear it. Despite all of my efforts trying to change that event those who knew me before and after would describe the later one as heartless. Their were things I did that edged on the sides of brutality. What was in my way would soon be out of it with the least amount of mercy given. No quarter given for a while and some of my proudest moments came because of that no mercy style. That person that I used to be could get what I want done in a faster time, but that person had no hope for humanity he looked at them as a tool that could then be tossed at the end.

After that is the fear that I will not become who I know I can be. I need to do more, push harder, and learn faster because styaing in one place is stagnation. Stagnation is a death knell to a set of skills because if even a portion does not evolve then it will rot. The world can be so much better, and to do it in her memory I will need to put the faith in the good in humanity. Sometimes I need to convince myself somedays because that person meant so much to me that in her memory her dream will be completed through my own dream.

I wasn’t the best person to pick up her dream but in reverence when I am done the world will be a better place. To do that I will need capital so my plan of being a businessman could still yield the connections built over time. I fear going back because I need to be constantly improving in something. The odds are high that the changes may not be so big, that my business will fall, but for her it needs to at least try.

Those are the things which I guess boils down to I will not be able to grow any further and not complete any good change. The other is I get the resources needed, but it turns me in to someone without the moral compass I have now. Those are my fears, what are yours.

Last thoughts before Main Event

So with the Portland pro tour past and the main event of the grand prix coming through. The final two of the pro tour were actually first time pro tour players and it has been so long for my friend and I that we hope to do well.

In any case it will be fun, and in the grand scheme of things that is what matters.
A part of me is hoping and worried we will do well and before I go into promo mode which is my little version of talking to think I am the best. Everyone has that mode to psych themselves up or talk to an opponent, but I just name mine promo mode.

Anyway, before I go off saying how I may or may not win it is really all about the game. Having fun with people of many different styles from other walks of life before just nerding out. Soon we will be pushing into advertising and my other projects will be getting some more time including my writing and cooking.

So far the year has been getting fairly good at least in getting stuff done. Hopefully after this weekend I will have another good story to share with all of you. Good luck in your travels.