Musings of a Tryhard

College, business, games, and twitch. Music, writing son-of-a-bitch.

My time is always running and I need a car to pick it up for if time keeps running out on me I guess my moment is up.

Don’t know why I am rhyming.

Anywho. So in the realm of things that do not matter I made silver in tft and green in hyper which is like finding a single free piece of pizza on the niceness scale but considering the year I think we can all take what we can get.

Next is the writing and I have learned to edit during my tft time so that means another book should be done, will I finally publish, if I can figure out the other things like a cover and overcome the crippling self doubt. Most likely is what I am saying.

Also, filling out some paperwork but that is a secret for now. Shhhh.

So that leaves really things are going and they seem to be going good for now but the need for money is coming and the person who I made the sale through who does work at a restaurant, (I checked) needs to finish his part of the bargain it is during these moments I would like to do it in person but, I really don’t get out much and honestly the cost of transportation is already killing me.

Disability thinks I am still not disabled despite the stack of tests and paperwork taller then me ( six feet tall) so I feel I still have the right to continue bashing judges because if ya’ll are that stupid then you need to get a talking to and possibly a third grade reading lesson.

College is next on the list and work has been going good, being pulled in so many different directions is really painful though especially when it comes to how much needs to be done still. I still need to find some stuff to do when it comes to how to market but nothing gets done with money to do it and right now a lot of places don’t want to hire even for part time work, I have tried, but once again being disabled tends to throw a couple dozen spanners in the grinder.

Just really need to keep moving forward and while things can feel like it is so aggravating that you want start to bang your head on the desk and while it may feel that way. The only thing that would do is give you a nasty headache. I am just speaking from experience on that myself. When people say there are jobs they do not mean in Portland because right now nobody wants to hire.

Problems come and then we need to find solutions to it so all of this should hope things get a little more comfortable soon.

You know the drill.

Stay strong.

Turn Out From Burnout

Yes I forgot, Anywho I got over a third of the way through Milwordy so that is good progress and we got some work done for the first orders and that is great. Trying to do more social media is really a game of what I have forgotten. On top of that working my way through a writing class now and I feel this month is going to be big numbers so far because we are doing a lot already and I got some mushrooms on the smoke, that you may have seen if you followed the Instagram, and you should.

Click the shrooms to drop you to the IG page

I actually had a class on Monday , my writing class actually, and I was more nervous about making sure I had it all in order, but class came, class went, and I had a good time. A couple more fanfics on the page, just because I forgot how much fun it could be to write about other peoples worlds, it is like playing with other people’s shiny new toys and then saying to go nuts.

Here is what I want you to do, what is something you have been really pushing yourself to working on, leave it in a comment and I want to hear what you all are doing, because I know I am not the only one. Let me hear it from you about your writing, your projects, how you are working out, hell that you have stuck to an extra walk, anything you are proud I want you to put it here.

So what do you do when you feel the fatigue on a major project like Milwordy.?

You need to do more project work but are beginning to burnt out is to see how you are getting burnt out for this. I know writing itself will be the problem while editing will be more of the stuff I can do because I have enough of that to do to give myself. I split it up so when I am sick of writing I go edit and when the fatigue leaves there is some fresh writing to do.

When you can switch up your actions like this it makes it easier when you get back to it. So simply put what can you do? Do something else. Anything else. Even if it means doing some cleanup just so you could get a different thing in front of you. When you feel better it could take an hour to a week but keep doing it and you can go back with fresh batteries.

What you can do is best work with what you have to bring the best result. You cannot say you will touch everything and have it be turned to gold. That is okay though sometimes all you have to do is just keep your head up and keep on til morning. Things can get better and while there will be a lot of difficulties after dealing with it when you just top giving it more energy or effort then it needs between steps it allows you to focus more on other things.

Follow the IG, drop by on twitch, enjoy the things I do, tell me about the things you do, and as always.

Stay Strong.

First O’ The Year.

The new year and it already feels like there is a lot of uncertainty in the world. Working on a lot of things it makes me wonder what the year has in store for me and I can only hope that a lot is going to come and part of something that has been the big problem for me has been my youtube channel.

I don’t know what people will want to see on the site and looking at my channel that has been around for a while and at this point I do not know what to do with it. I want to have something with it and it has just been something where there should be something and the time has changed that I will do more on Twitch then YouTube and I want to do something here, I just don’t feel that gaming is it for me here, right now.

Enough of the down, here is what is going on Millwordy is going to be fun, college classes are on for later this month and I am excited and I am looking at getting the business plan polished because we need to figure out how to get some money and how to get these products to more people. We have had some good talks so far and the end of the year has ended with some high notes when it comes to restaurants starting with orders.

Writing is going to be big and depending on how I can get to other projects there may be much more coming, but I also have to learn a couple things on those ways. In any case I hope you all find yourself a happy new year and things do get better in your lives.

Ever play Jet Set Radio Future? I love that game, when I think of being part of a group it is really that game because each character had their own personality but they came together for their own group. That and DJ Professor K was awesome. Video games have such an ability to go into depth of story and honestly I do not think we even scratched far beneath the surface on it. I hope to get to the point I can help produce them but that will be something down the road. Not as far as it was last year but sometime down there still.

Anywho I hope you all enjoy and I will be here next week πŸ˜€

Stay Strong

Last Post of the Year

2021 is coming to an end, and like many times in the year, my jaw is quivering because of a spasm. Still, this year has a lot of highs and lows, and it seems more stuff is rolling, and we are now left here with an idea of what we had to go through in the last year and hopes for the future.

This will be the last message for me for the year, and I will write again for the blog in 2022, and hopefully, there will be much more stuff to go over. It will be difficult for some when we get into the new year, but I do hope that you will make as much progress and even more than me. Do the things you want to do and go for something you never thought possible.

My health will continue to be bad, and while that may take me out of action for a couple of days, it seems that if I can just keep going, there is something more. Some people over the year have claimed me to be one of the strongest they know, and honestly, I do not feel like it. Maybe, that is something that I can shake off in the next twelve months. Do enough that I can look in the mirror and chase off the shadows.

As an end-of-the-year post, let me tell you this.

I have been deemed depressed, or however, the tag works. It is just me against the darkness behind my eyes, and sometimes it gets hard to keep moving. If I keep moving, though, there is something of looking for something, doing more and more, breaking down doors, and going up floors, they will never dispel from the core. Still, maybe for a moment of glory in the next chapter of my story, the pieces I find can make me feel whole again.

Between all the issues in the world and my own problems, there is always a chance that I will never be content with what I have done. That is something I have already made my peace with. However, sometimes some people are never happy with everything, and if I keep my eyes on the next thing, then maybe I can get enough done to make progress. A constant need to test and grow can be bad in some cases, but at least I have enough challenges in front of me that I won’t go without something to do for a while.

Alright, that was about as much super personal stuff we got on this one. I will see you all next time, folks. Hopefully, your new year goes well and like all the other times.

Stay Strong.

Millwordy in 2022

I will be going back to college, I will be working on millwordy, I will be releasing books and whatnot and now it is just something where I am trying to put it all together in a time frame that does not make me feel like crap. The more things that need to get done the more it is going to put my energy to the limits and moving forward.

Through workouts and taking vitamins and trying to eat better I have gotten some usage back, but there is still the part of my body where always want more but I think that may just be a personality defect, no matter how much I try it will always be something where I want to try to do more. So I may have a few more books coming out I guess and I am hoping I can release one next year. That would be a good plan.

One million words and so many plans and goals had been going now and it seems these next twelve months will seem to be important for the rest of my life and looking at that it makes me a little nervous. Failure here may be something where I cannot get back, but making this year work. To a new year of challenges and hopefully of goals being hit, and of hopefully life getting better despite the world trying to get worse.

Will explain more next week.

Stay Strong and Merry Christmas.

Hyper Plans

Welcome all to a running tally of my madness. No, not really, but still I bet some of you have felt the same things working on your stuff for so long, and with some writers finding some peace after NanoWrimo. When it feels like there is always more to do and the body cannot handle all of it sometimes makes you think you never should have tried. I happen to fall in the trap of thinking as one thing cannot be done as fast as I would like that it would be worthless for me to do it at all.

On top of everything else I am going back to college and I could be getting some medical help for something that has been bothering me for a long time now. For those who do not know, between the fights, the diet, the issues of my body not absorbing well had made my teeth that more of a hockey smile versus regular smile and it has been something that people have been made nervous seeing it, and I had just finished the paperwork to get some help.

I could be going to college, and while some may some it has less value then ever there are certain holes in my game it could help cover and I will love to learn about how to do that especially if I do not need to be the one to pay in ( That is the trick after all.) This is more of a future bet on myself to use the training for something that could get me back on my feet despite all the damage this body has carried over the years.

Finally, the big thing of what is going on and that is the food company is coming together there are more things being filled out in the business plan and soon there will be a need to start getting the word out. Costing has gone well I felt and even with the containers at the worst profit margin one could it had been something that came out where I wanted which may be bad or good but it provides the best price point without being so cheap that people find something wrong with it, people had done that before from what I sold and it was a painful lesson. Sell at the point where people feel comfortable, because that is a thing, and if you did not know that, now you do. I would say find it just high enough that it invites faith in the product through their price point but not so high where people are needlessly taken out of potentially buying it, because that is not what we want, we ant people to enjoy the thing we make at the base value.

I say it all here because I have a habit of going too low and suddenly think there is something wrong with it. This is more for me and look back to go, ‘hey, ya you talked about it, take your own advice.’ Sometimes we need to give ourselves such advice I have pushed myself far, but it has been something that we can make a lot of progress on things and while I still need to balance some things it is times like these I wish I would get my old batteries back.

Wishes are like ifs and buts, candies and nuts, Toronto still gets no cup, or however the line went, in any case there is still some energy going through me and that means there is still stuff to be done so please take the time and peruse some of the things you may find on the books page, right now everything on there is for free, but I am also editing my own original works and those will have a price after some people who write more for a living, and learning how I can use each place I post as something different.

This post is going to sound like a kid hopped up on sugar and I do not care, we are looking at things for the indiegogo plan so if there is something you want to see , please let me know, follow me in the spots I wark at and I hope the stuff I can do makes your day brighter in some aspect.

Seasons Greetings and Stay Strong

Writing at Nyoom Speed

Writing, writing, writing. I have been writing a lot recently and it has added up to a few things that will be sold soon but right now we have to go over the little treats for you all. Two projects. One, a selection of fanfiction. I challenged myself to write and that can be picked up off of Gumroad, that is something you do not need to pay for, none of my Gumroad ones are. Just, if you do want to pay something I would appreciate it.

70k of words as short stories in 2k to 2.5k each about a character I have in the game, because I like the game, and that is enough for that right now. Share it, join me on twitch, (https://www.twitch.tv/mrbigtanderson) have a good time, but there is more that will be done in other things because you know I cannot rest for long periods of time. It just does not work well for me that way.

Also, after cost out it looks like I can sell each 4oz container by volume will be sold five dollars per but as one can see, there is a fair amount in each one and it will have flavors that will boost your food from the flat to the gold, but there is a video that is in the works. Five dollars per is at the high end of where I wanted it to be, and was within the range already in the stores. I still haven’t worked out the whole mail thing yet. Working on it, though, but it is a lot done in the month so far and we got a week and change to go.

We are going to get some stuff done, and hopefully have fun. It has been a rough road so far, but like everything you got to be more hard headed then your obstacles, and while I have had some low points, from the death of family members semi recently to issues with the body, it is still sweet to get a little progress. More is coming.

Stay Strong Everyone.

This is the face of nyoom. Speed unfiltered.

Kata In Administrative Violence

There is something in me that wishes wholeheartedly that makes me want to compete, and I know my body just does not take to it very well, it had been many years since heavy competition and every time I train often ends to me usually hurt and trying to tape myself together before getting even more hurt. What could be so painful as having a mind that is fine and a body that could be the cage, well sometimes one has to work within one’s capability and that means having to deal with the pain of what could have been needs to go away because in the new time one has to do the new things and through it great things can still be done.

For me I hate how my body breaks down but I have been doing more stretching and pushing different things further to try and get back some semblance of the energy I once had, and now despite the passing out at random times for certain things it means I can at least try to keep going.

Why am I yammering on like this? Well, right now there 8, yes 8 books to be edited and the end of this nano means one large fanfic project and another book so by the end of the month so there could be 9 or even 10 of them things get really pushed to the brink. Then there is the stuff with the food and then there are things coming together through some application of administrative violence.

Administrative violence is the practice of using the system against those who are being the pain in your ass and can be very useful as some days pass and people do not learn the lesson for not screwing with you. I would suggest everyone learn some administrative violence fighting technique and you will find yourself much more accepting of what cannot be changed and much more capable on the facets that can be.

So work well and stay strong.

Short One, Longer Post Monday

One day is all it takes to right the ship, and it often can be enough where you do not need the whole day; as soon as things start going your way, it could be half a day, and your entire fortune has changed. I have not gotten there yet myself, but something has begun to go my way, and that gives me time to get more done.

This month I said it was going to be essential, and it was. For everything that had to be done, it was going to be a month of a lot of trying, wrapping up a lot of things, and even more hitting the finish line. That would be some friendly feelings, and while my body has been broken at the level of shattered glass, fr every step over the finish line, it makes you feel just that much more of yourself.

As of right now, I have spent project after project getting it further and having to tape up my body from breaking down as it did so many years ago when a bruised rib was a good day and blood loss was a pain for the laundry but not much else because I wore black back then as well.

I will want one day to live in what John Goodman once called β€œA position of fuck you.” A point where no matter what happens, as long as I live, if I don’t take serious risks, I can live until my last dies like a prolonged retirement with only my time and my mind in my base of solitude to make the entertainment as I need to.

This will be a short post, but some cards are falling in favor. All I can hope is I can turn it into more progress. Stay strong, everyone.

November Begins.

Mentally I have constantly pushed ways to get better, and mental is a part of the game like everything else.

For those who do not know, I am disabled. I don’t think I have advertised it as much, but I haven’t hidden from it either. More of my nerve system is damaged than not, and that is always trouble, leading me to what we can call some unusual situations. Like dealing with disability judges, I bring part of this up because, for those who don’t know, I am getting close to 8 years fighting for a disability that we have medical testing. We have multiple examinations in favor.

I was told I could go into production with nerve damage in my hands, fingers, passing out, and vertigo spells.

I was told I could be a welder. This is not a joke, lets take Mr. McCrabclaw and then give him explosive fuels because nothing could go wrong. Let that be a lesson that if you can’t read and can only count to 1, you can always get a judge’s position in disability. Glad to know that the support net is there for them. What bothers me is that my story isn’t even the worst I have heard, I have gone to town halls and city meetings on this, and no one can tell me why this is the case.

You know how bad I feel when people look at me and see someone who represents them I feel horrible because I am not good at it. I am a loudmouth who used to cook and saw a load of bs where people said the disability system is.

However, it is educational because in a time where people have to seem to each have their own thing. Maybe, as the idea has been rattling in my brainpan, that I could perhaps do something because I am making progress, and I will do so until I cannot any further.

Also, I need to cost out, but I also need to work on writing projects, and it is NaNoWriMo, the month I am just trying to get to 75k in words across my projects so I can finish up as many projects as I can. Typing this on the first, I am already 10% of the way with this post. It will be a big month, and I need to step up to the plate.

It seems each month I need to go another level, and at this point, I am in what some would call the ‘fuck it’ territory, which can be best described for those who do not know with the picture below.

If you like my work, share it, talk about it and catch me on other places online, and I hope you all stay strong.