2023 Goals

Something I hope to look back on and see a bunch of things crossed off, and if I remember it an easy and entertaining call back at the end of the year.

  1. Release something, now with projects going on what I have and if it may be under my name will be something different. As long as it came from me, under whatever name I use for different reasons I hope to release something like a book, program or something.
  2. I would like to live on my own. Currently I have been living with a roommate and have been doing it long enough, I need my space.
  3. Continue doing well in school, at this point I have had a problem in just one class and I am still on honor roll despite it.
  4. I would like for the blog to do better, although granted to define it as off the rails from original purposes is an understatement of the greatest caliber.
  5. Do a physical event again. Despite being disabled I feel I have been getting much better health wise especially over the last twelve months.
  6. Get my teeth fixed. Unfortunately why my body does not use some minerals despite ingesting them, like calcium is something we are still trying to figure out. Luckily we caught it before bones went fell osteoporosis.
  7. I want to do more on twitch, and been trying to push it further. Currently the goal is to get to 500 followers but I need to work on being more entertaining.
  8. I would like to travel to another country finally. I have never been to another country and there are a few places on my list. I would count something out of state or going to conventions again
  9. Start a successful business. Pretty simple as to why.
  10. Be happier then I was last year.

If I remember this I hope to go back and see how many of these got knocked off the list.

Stay Strong and Happy New Year

At Worse There Can Be Change

The city of Portland seems to read my blog because a few weeks ago I made a post that I wouldn’t write on it unless it was just something abyssal. A new high in low. It seems that it looked at my blog post, handed me a half open bottle of some hipster brew and asked me to hold it because it seems every day since then it decided to just keep digging for the grail in stupidity and I wonder here if they had focused such efforts into something good the progress that would be made.

So, rapid fire because Portland leadership is a font of idiocy so deep that we could only approximate the bottom. One. Jo Ann Hardesty One could lead a class on morals by taking what she had done in her job as commissioner and simply going, don’t do that. Now, that would be rude, she would have had to do one thing of good. Right?

Well, after running up debt and then being sued for it and then the hit and run debacle and then the uber debacle and then being an idiot in the pandemic, and the being an idiot during the homeless issue and backing the politics that drove business in the ground, and then not pushing for punishing the D.A for not charging those who had politics similar. I mean all of these are absolutely shameful. Calling a political opponent Republican when he is not just because he has a different opinion. Now, some may see that statement and think I support Rene. I have not seen his work and right now there has to be a major amount of work done for me not to count him as an abject failure just because he wanted the position. It is the risk that comes from people failing at it for long periods and really if one could fire the commissioners since Hales then many would.

The mayor before Wheeler I used to call him as interesting as wallpaper paste, now I have to say he had to be smarter then any person in politics. That or, he was one of the luckiest because after that things went down at the speed of gravity. Where things hoped to have change is after a cycle with the main morons and people went, there is no better candidate, no one wants to run and now we are happy with this. Well, happy is not the word I would use but people have shown they are willing to look away as long as things still stay as normal.

Wheeler, the mayor, went out to protest with people he thought would be the base of the city only to find out that he was wrong. Went on pushing the ideology and backed by the movements of the D.A crime spiraled out of control, police budgets cut, and then the spiral grew wider. There will be a time where Portland has to begin to grow but the ideology of the past decade needs to be discarded for the toxic process that it has been. Not because the political party is toxic, it isn’t but because what has taken Portland has been thought to be for some moral superiority and brilliant action when morally its often disgusting under the surface and tactically its as useful as a paper seat belt.

This is not going to Brown and what she did because she caused damages as well a lot of them, but everyone thought they could stand together against Trump instead of actually working on bettering their areas. If it had been done it would be the greatest flaunting against their foes because what the president had wished when those described above hated him, could look to their city and say. We are doing it and we got it. That would be too hard they found out and did the political thing of try to get people to look away except there was no place to look without their failings on full display. It is now something where other cities and states look at, and go ‘don’t be like that’.

I wish there was some good news, but there isn’t and won’t be for a while, but everything can change and Portland will too, it just may take some time.

Stay Strong.

Three Tips For Your Future

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Pexels.com

Back in college, for the first time, I went to the Art Institute of Portland for a double degree program of video game art and design and media art and design. Considering what I have done since then, the things I picked up definitely helped, but unfortunately, I also had to pay my way then, which led me to work full-time at a gas station between short cooking jobs. Accelerated double degree with a full-time job is the fastest way to go from a thinking human being to something short of a crash test dummy without the impact.

Then it was not about staying up all night. There was one day a week that it had to be done because transit, work, and otherwise would not allow me to sleep. I got through a year, and when I had to stay up a week to study more, it all ended with a moment when I passed out in class. The teacher, after hearing about how there was no rest between classes ( which was once a week), called my roommates to take me back home and gave me a B for the course. Despite being three years with everything, I had only made it through one. My family didn’t want to help, and my roommates thought they would bury me if, for one reason or another, something didn’t stop.

Out of all the faults, I never wanted it to be known that I did not try. Often there would even be a point where people would get nervous if their body would break down. There was never enough backup to get enough rest, and there has been more than one doctor that past sins have come due, and my body is now footing the bill for it. With things going, there is always stuff to do and not enough energy, so if someone out there is maybe realizing the things-to-do list is getting a bit big, this post is for you.

Call it the learning of someone who crashed into a lot more times. Some hints from someone who may have walked down different roads.

  1. Find the value (in time) of what you are doing. We have all been in places where we have to do one thing after another, and the energy is just running out. There are times when you need to push on being tired and times when you will need to force yourself to rest because that will get you the greatest return. Look to what you need to and find at what point your time gets rewarded. If you need four more hours but can only muster two, you may be able to get to four, but after a certain point, the time you take for today will be taken out of tomorrow resting up.
  2. No one can go forever. Rest is not something that is needed just for the weak. Where people often forget in trying to act tough is that even machines will need some upkeep and often have people around them to make sure things are at peak efficiency. Rest is not a weakness. It is something to make sure your time working on things is going to be as close to a hundred percent as possible. 
  3. Never stop learning. One of those fortune cookie lines that touch on something people seem to still forget. When you stop learning, you stop growing. Does not matter if you are six or sixty, powerhouse or paraplegic. The moment you stop learning about something is when you need to figure out the exit strategy. Sometimes you will find things that may not give you value right after you put in. Sometimes, you will discover new ways to act in certain situations. Learning isn’t something that will provide a direct response. After you learn, you need to give it a couple tries. Other times what you know may not work for your situation. 

We will keep the pearls there for now, but I do hope this year you have made a lot of progress, and hopefully, I will see you in the next one. We still got a few posts before the year ends, though. 

Stay strong. 

Portland Death Spiral

This blog was initially built on the idea that is going from homeless to a semi-productive member of society, there would be some things I can see that others would miss. One could even say that because of my intelligence and my experience, there are bits and details that politicians do not have or would only use in the political batoning for their own political side. Those who have read this know my politics are rather centered and may pull from both sides depending on what may be needed for specific problems to be removed or handled.

That being said, this is not against a side or a party.

Portland is spiraling into something not a lot of people want to be associated with. Stolen cars are being broken down in broad daylight. Homeless people all over, and laws that made it so there would be no problem carrying all kinds of drugs without a problem. The city commissioners went through protest after protest. Then, there was no movement when they had to rebuild from the ashes. All people who are against them have been deemed from the opposing party when they have made error after error, and the city right now is hurting to the point where no one wants to live there. Nobody wants to open a business there, and there are more taxes than in the surrounding areas.

There are so many problems that when you look at what is going on, you have to ask, where do you start? From that, I do not have an answer, and there is something that seems to be missing every day. Like the city had finally died, it feels passed on. While moments had been good, looking almost normal for small snippets, it is about what the normal is, and the normal in the city is a far shadow from what it once was. There are not enough good things coming, and a lot of the bad has been left to fester, meaning there is even more that needs to get done to bring it back. Again, it looks terrible, and there is not a lot that can be done right now without people enforcing laws and punishing those guilty. None of this is new, and if it is, look in the back posts; trust me, there is plenty to get mad about.

I haven’t written about my home city because unless it is more people not doing their jobs or people trying politically smack people only to get a riptide in the wrong direction, there just isn’t much to say. People in charge in Portland must be the most extensive collection of abject failures in politics. If any of them can look from this time and say they did a good job, I would love to hear their side because it looked like they just sat and played Genshin Impact all term.

Who knows, when things change, I will write about it, and if something is horrible, I will do that too, but right now, I really do not want to. May do some cheap and fun foods to make for later. With the cost of everything, we can all use a couple extra pennies for groceries. We shall see, though.

Keep your head up and stay strong.

Panic Attacks and Amazons

People have bad days, sometimes they have days where you wonder why you got to a certain point and how they can do so without having at least a big migraine or you have a panic attack. Everything gets to the point where you just want to survive while doing something. This past week was sort of that to me. Roommate was spiraling, people did not want to do their job because they never had to, other people were getting pushed, and no one seems to be reading the rules and laws to which a modicum of civilized culture is maintained.

Overall not a fun time. Sometimes you need to get through the challenging moments. Now, some may be surprised to know I do get panic attacks. It happens when I feel things are slipping past me and are essential to me, like when I miss a point on a quiz or a test. I get into this feedback loop of my own self-depreciation, just going over how that point was the most important.

Now, one can pass a class when you miss one point. It is a rarity when that is not the case. Still, we need to remember when you are in a panic attack that, you are in a place where survival instinct is in one area, and your normal activities are in another. You are held between the two, where things feel both fast and slow to the point where you feel out of place, even if you are sitting down. The thing is that no matter what happens during your bad days, you just need to get by. You need to make it and finish whatever you are. Afterward, you are just sitting in a funk of hatred and wondering where you failed and how you go on but what happens when things are not going as you need them to go.

I am so happy for those who never have it because a panic attack is a royal kick to the head. Not fun to the degree that I would rather wrestle an amazon practicing leg scissors than do it again. It is a great pain, and I think suits did a great job showing it.

Particularly the last couple of minutes, but sometimes you just have to get through the bad times because, with enough practice and enough work, the good times will outnumber the bad.

Hope you have a good time, and stay strong.

Moments and Change

We all have moments. Moments where we look at how we have been and what we have done and realize something needs to change. It could be after a bad day, you get home, and people don’t talk to you or respect your opinion in decision making, it could be that when you are owed money, you suddenly find yourself unable to find them to talk to, but when the reverse occurs, you need to change your life to pay them back.

I have been there, and over time some may want to post joker memes and dream about them being a criminal to society. Well, you don’t need to do that, your life may need to be changed by your own mind, but I find that it is time that your body and the back of your mind wants you to work on something. Take those moments, and instead of getting mad, find what it wants you to focus on. I need to work more on my social issues. There will be things moving forward that will be hard for me because it is a weakness, and it does not work well in society, and I have to adapt. Those moments are saying.

““Hey, this is your brain cell speaking. Change your plan, dipshit!””

Sometimes your brain cell does not swear, but I have been a cook for a good decade. There is a lot of swearing between my years. Over the years, I have taken the time to translate what is common usage to be as specific as possible. For those who want the original mental soundtrack imagine a lot less patience and enough F-bombs to make any argument reminiscent of a fourth of July show.

When you get those moments, though, when you snap, when you look at your life and realize it has gone off the rails, some people will take the time to go out in a blaze of glory. Still, some will grow from it; in this case, the pressure will make diamonds out of you. It will turn you into a gem. You just need to make it through. Going through pressure cooker moments is tough because there is no trick or way to have it go away save for getting it done. Learn from the message, and I hope in doing so, your brains talk a lot cleaner than mine when sending those internal messages, but still, just take a moment and get back on the tracks you need before going again.

Stay Strong.

College Loans and Disability

You know, I was initially going to just make a blog post about some positive things in the twitch community. However, something a little more serious has come into play after some thought. So now I will preface it with this. I have tried to get statements from others having this problem, but they did not want to come forward and put their names on it. So the only story I have is my own, but I can say others have had this problem. Unfortunately, no one at this time wants to step forward.

For those who are unaware, I am taking college classes, particularly in two fields of study, business administration and quantitative economics, some pretty heavy stuff. Now I am starting my first few years at a community college and making sure everything has no hiccups. I thought of getting some school loans just in case I could not work my job or something were to occur where if one had to focus on schooling and not work for a time, then it could be done.

Here is the problem. Due to health issues and previous school loans, now in a degree that can no longer be worked, I have what was called a TPD discharge. A total and permanent disability discharge. This means the government in a different department looked at what I originally did and thought. “This guy is no longer medically clear to work the degree he spent time learning and we cannot in good faith have him pay on it.”

Now it also means for three years, I cannot take any school grants, and I cannot take any more school loans until that period is over. I got the help, but for three years, I was on my own if I wanted to go to school. I am not getting any help from my family as they are concentrating on burning everything they have for the sake of cigarettes and cheap nail polish. Grants do take care of classes, but to make sure rent is covered by something would be some relief that I could use. Now, with Biden declaring how a portion of student loans will be forgiven, it would be really good to know what I took out would be removed.

Well, no, I have some questions about the amount and how that will hit a market already ballooning with inflation (remember economics major). The problem is before anyone points at my school loans as a gotcha, one has to be aware. No subsidized loans were made available to me. In fact, the community college in question declared that either a signed note backed by my neurologist or doctor stating that my health was 100% and my previous disability was gone or there would be no subsidized loans available.

It sounded weird, so meetings online were planned and attended where we could go over them more in-depth. The amount asked was not in question as it was low enough it could be handled by a subsidized loan. Still, the fact the Portland Community College explained it was due to the three-year time frame that had already expired with evidence to prove it to them. I did not take my first semester until it was already passed and still made sure everything was cleared beforehand. This made the person dealing with their finances stumble and grasp.

“Oh well even though you are disabled the government doesn’t want to take loans that won’t be paid.”

“So you are because of my disability not allowing me to get cleared for subsidized loans?”

“Correct.”

I did not yell or scream. I simply to my lumps and decided to get more information. Now, I took this to some disability lawyers just to get their opinion, and the consensus was either the Portland area had lawyers with no testicles or there was no case to be had. The problem was the decision was to make sure the loans would be repaid. As they are subsidized, the school would need to okay them from government lenders, and because of that, I would not need to pay interest until I was done with school. It was not the loan givers making it so they could not be sued, and the school was making decisions within their right, according to the lawyers around here, so they cannot be sued. From this point, it was just aggravating because there were still problems to be taken care of and the resources available for others were not available to me.

There was something that could be done, but I adapted, and as it stands, I can continue to adapt. This has been something that others have dealt with, making me a little bit miffed, to say the least. I will try to bring more evidence, but I would like to hear from you.

After A TPD discharge has been used and after the three-year time frame has expired, should they, if able, go into college and learn something to better themselves? For example, should disabled people have the right to school loans, or should they not, or is it something in between?

In fact, I may also have something to write about to help more people. Also, sorry this was late. Between health and problems, time decided to move faster than I liked, but I hope you will like the content coming.

Stay Strong.

JoAnn Needs S.O.S For Re-Election

Jo Ann Hardesty is running for re-election, and upon realizing that, I needed a handle of cheap whiskey and several new and amazing drugs to try. I would revert my brain to whatever hormonal beast I was in puberty. If it means the city commissioners currently in office would all go sod off into the sunset. My preference would be the sunset on mars to get that extra bit of distance.

So, some people may actually think she has done a good job. These people are either in the areas that are so bound to sniff their own backside. (looking at you pearl) Or the pieces of the city so gentrified that even the homeless get food from Starbucks. The rest of the city is one great big sweltering nugget of refuse. Fewer businesses are open, more people getting killed, less money is being made, more people are living in the streets, schools are doing worse (remember Oregon made it so now guidelines for things like literacy and math are not needed for a diploma). The amount of hope I have is that this group or someone else is going to screw it up. Before people start mocking them until they run away and hide underneath useless jobs.

Three years is enough to get something positive done, and while there was a pandemic, I am done with letting morons get a free ride. In three years there should be at least one single positive thing that she has done and while comments can be found. The problem is that nothing has changed for the better. I would say that it is more of a shock because one would think that due to someone’s efforts, and by the laws of probability that something would get better. To fail so perfectly is actually harder to do, than every once in a while accidentally tripping over a positive change. No, getting funding is not a positive effect. It’s like setting a sandwich bar with enough tomatoes if you don’t make sandwiches. If you do not execute on the goals then you can be setting it up and still fail. This will tell me how Portland is going and I cannot see it going anywhere good if she gets re-elected, she has shown to be ill-equipped, moronic, and cannot handle the duties of her position. Also, the funny part is everyone going to racism or sexism against the detractors or trolls. What color her skin is, or what genitals she has does not add, detract, or change anything to the foolishness she has filled her years on the board with. I do not care who she is, I care about her work, and her work stinks. If someone cannot understand that, then they need to take a look in the mirror because the ideological tug of war has gotten me tired and this intersectional spew does little to the people trying to make progress on their own efforts and ideas.

My own opinion on how to handle it has been changing for anyone who sees me on Twitter and if anyone has been part of the camp that believes I will calm down in my later years of life, I have some bad news. It still has not happened and for the most that can be done, it does not look like it ever will be happening. As you can see by my additions I add a touch of humor in everything because if one cannot laugh at oneself then I fear life would be very dark at times.

Homeless in Portland

Portland has an issue with the homeless situation and one of the biggest questions is how can we fix it?

To see how we got here we need to realize a few things, one is something people have been wanting to do and that is who is to blame for this whole affair and three parties once can look at Portland’s problems and all of them will lead to something that the citizens will not like to hear. Those three parties are the city council and all the people who had been on it since Wheeler got into office filling in for Hales when he left. Hales leaving by the way has got to be the biggest dodge this side of the matrix because if he knew it or not this cannot be tied so much to him.


Every city commissioner whether they were on before or came on after has to look at the major portion of the blame because for all the power and privilege they could not get any less done without a plan. Jo-ann Hardesty who ran on a campaign against the homeless boulder project trying to craft herself as their champion has shown to be one of the biggest failures to her position in recent memory from how she has bungled the riots with the rest, how she has not been able to get the educational capabilities up to the quality and despite asking for more power she has not been able to handle her normal business in position.


Ted Wheeler, is someone that I thought had to be trying to burn the city down, but since those moments years ago. I wish I could say his quality has also gone up but that would be a bit of a stretch by most standards and even his most ardent defenders have so little to stand on that any time dealing with them online would bring memories of screaming children as both would have no idea what the situation would entail and is just mad because they are on the wrong side of the emotional exchange. Let me say it clearly, I do not think the mayor of Portland is doing this out of spite. I think from his actions in an office he is either very emotional or very stupid and while not pure malice can sometimes look like it at times. His time dealing with the riots as they began, the attack on Andy Ngo, the clash of pro-trump and Antifa groups, the pandemic, the riots, and the side effects have been nothing but a complete failure and one where he still got re-election because the only other person running ran on a campaign dubbing herself the Antifa mayor, from the same group of people that the group never existed and it was just an idea.
So we have the city commissioners and two of the greatest hits among them, but we also need to look at the Multnomah County District Attorney Mike Schmidt whose work about trying to make the justice system fair has led to the most murders in recent history, the most gun violence in recent history, the most assaults n recent history and is such a rampaging buffoon I honestly think that Hitomi Tanaka or any other busty porn star with six weeks of training and an effort to do a good job will do better, and just for the record Hitomi Tanaka does not have a law degree either. Mike Schmidt will go down as the worst amongst everyone who has committed to the position and save for people trying to outclass his glittering capstone in the processes of legal failures upon a community I doubt it will ever be overcome. Under him, there has been a loss of prosecutors that Portland has ranked in the bottom third of prosecutors per 100,000 people according to KATU.

https://katu.com/news/katu-investigates/portland-multnomah-county-playing-catch-up-reducing-violence-da-says

Few people would like to talk about how the police are just blaming without remembering one thing. In the setup, we have as of this writing and the one that has been used for the past decade or so the last word on the police department is the mayor. We have also lost enough police officers that even the Daily Mail is picking up the story and even did an article six months ago expounding upon it.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10186699/Portland-PD-788-cops-lowest-number-1989-amid-violent-crime-surge.html

On top of these two parties in Portland’s power structure being as useful as a wet fart in a toilet paper shortage, we have to move on up to the governor of the state who could be outclassed by several things one may work within a day like a cheese sandwich, a pencil, the previously mentioned wet fart, and that is to name a few. Kate Brown could only be called a success if her goals were to destroy education, raise suffering and actively try to make everyone less skilled and more miserable. In that metric, she has actually done a half-decent job.

Now the most painful part, all of these people have been elected and the city commissioners including Wheeler have not one election but two. That means the people say their work and thought they are good for the ob and that makes me wonder. Do people know what these people do? Kate Brown has been in since 2015, JoAnn Hardesty since 2019, Schmidt was placed in after the previous DA retired, and Wheeler since 2017 after the previous mayor retired and then won his own election.


Mind you some may take all this and see all the democrats and think I am anti-democrat, I am not. I am however very much anti idiot and both of the big parties are filled with zealotry that their own beliefs are the proper ones. Let me explain, no, the party line is not the code to live one’s life Further away from that there is some issue in the citizens that people in some portion want to support all manner of action as long as it makes them feel good in the short term. This will wreak havoc in the long term and while some see that we have to get away from the soft feel-good way of voting and people need to spend a little time to figure out what needs to be done to go from where we are to where we want to be. Otherwise, the people we will have to blame the most for this are ourselves and while I have been trying through various things among everything else and I am doing more about it now.

I think it is clear that we need to get a better quality of the person in the office and we need to realize as citizens that doing something good sometimes will not be easy.

Things that would be more effective in office than the politicians and day listed above.

Offensive Interference

When reality decides to interfere it can feel like you had all momentum stopped and then all you can do is look at where you are and see what stopped you and grit your teeth wondering that some foolish person or thing could not tell when you had been working on something and decided to throw the spanner in the works. It means a lot when you looked at what you had and something comes out of the blue taking away what you did and now you have a project where you have to get the energy to push the boulder up the hill all in the hopes of bringing your project to completion.

You will feel aggravated, angry, furious and there is a point where you may want to use your emotions and simply blow up at everyone who is causing you problems when you have that moment it will be hard to take that emotional energy and instead of using it and cause more negative you put it towards something.

Take a moment and get your beath and then get yourself back to work and use all the venom and vigor from whatever happened and try to make something happen with it. Sometimes this means you just need to tell people to turn tail and pound sand until the deserts are empty. There are moments where such things are all you can do and keep the momentum but it does feel good when you take that pain or anger for anything and you put it in your project.

For me, I had issues with my roommate that took me to use the patience of several saints and not go bonkers when everyone wants to seemingly act like screaming turkeys. When one person in a group has to be the adult or even the human of a group during a situation like that for any period of time.

Breaking down what she had come down from whatever she was on and there had been a conversation that I could not use what little energy I had left trying to go through some of the incidents she had with her friends and others around her and I could not fix things when she decided to fly off the handle. This has been a situation that had been getting progressively worse over the past few months and while I tried to play ball there was so much still to do that I had to look at myself and realize I need to focus on myself more than others because I cannot let people take the majority of my energy and care.

Something else I had learned is no matter what you want to do you have to realize that loyalty is like a precious resource and when people invest it into you. You should invest it in return but when people decide you can’t invest in them you really need to take that time and energy and return it to investing it in yourself.

That means that we have some things coming and obviously I need to move so with that I hope I can find somewhere that is more secure to work on my stuff, but overall progress is progress so I will take it.

Stay Strong.