Moments and Change

We all have moments. Moments where we look at how we have been and what we have done and realize something needs to change. It could be after a bad day, you get home, and people don’t talk to you or respect your opinion in decision making, it could be that when you are owed money, you suddenly find yourself unable to find them to talk to, but when the reverse occurs, you need to change your life to pay them back.

I have been there, and over time some may want to post joker memes and dream about them being a criminal to society. Well, you don’t need to do that, your life may need to be changed by your own mind, but I find that it is time that your body and the back of your mind wants you to work on something. Take those moments, and instead of getting mad, find what it wants you to focus on. I need to work more on my social issues. There will be things moving forward that will be hard for me because it is a weakness, and it does not work well in society, and I have to adapt. Those moments are saying.

““Hey, this is your brain cell speaking. Change your plan, dipshit!””

Sometimes your brain cell does not swear, but I have been a cook for a good decade. There is a lot of swearing between my years. Over the years, I have taken the time to translate what is common usage to be as specific as possible. For those who want the original mental soundtrack imagine a lot less patience and enough F-bombs to make any argument reminiscent of a fourth of July show.

When you get those moments, though, when you snap, when you look at your life and realize it has gone off the rails, some people will take the time to go out in a blaze of glory. Still, some will grow from it; in this case, the pressure will make diamonds out of you. It will turn you into a gem. You just need to make it through. Going through pressure cooker moments is tough because there is no trick or way to have it go away save for getting it done. Learn from the message, and I hope in doing so, your brains talk a lot cleaner than mine when sending those internal messages, but still, just take a moment and get back on the tracks you need before going again.

Stay Strong.

College Loans and Disability

You know, I was initially going to just make a blog post about some positive things in the twitch community. However, something a little more serious has come into play after some thought. So now I will preface it with this. I have tried to get statements from others having this problem, but they did not want to come forward and put their names on it. So the only story I have is my own, but I can say others have had this problem. Unfortunately, no one at this time wants to step forward.

For those who are unaware, I am taking college classes, particularly in two fields of study, business administration and quantitative economics, some pretty heavy stuff. Now I am starting my first few years at a community college and making sure everything has no hiccups. I thought of getting some school loans just in case I could not work my job or something were to occur where if one had to focus on schooling and not work for a time, then it could be done.

Here is the problem. Due to health issues and previous school loans, now in a degree that can no longer be worked, I have what was called a TPD discharge. A total and permanent disability discharge. This means the government in a different department looked at what I originally did and thought. “This guy is no longer medically clear to work the degree he spent time learning and we cannot in good faith have him pay on it.”

Now it also means for three years, I cannot take any school grants, and I cannot take any more school loans until that period is over. I got the help, but for three years, I was on my own if I wanted to go to school. I am not getting any help from my family as they are concentrating on burning everything they have for the sake of cigarettes and cheap nail polish. Grants do take care of classes, but to make sure rent is covered by something would be some relief that I could use. Now, with Biden declaring how a portion of student loans will be forgiven, it would be really good to know what I took out would be removed.

Well, no, I have some questions about the amount and how that will hit a market already ballooning with inflation (remember economics major). The problem is before anyone points at my school loans as a gotcha, one has to be aware. No subsidized loans were made available to me. In fact, the community college in question declared that either a signed note backed by my neurologist or doctor stating that my health was 100% and my previous disability was gone or there would be no subsidized loans available.

It sounded weird, so meetings online were planned and attended where we could go over them more in-depth. The amount asked was not in question as it was low enough it could be handled by a subsidized loan. Still, the fact the Portland Community College explained it was due to the three-year time frame that had already expired with evidence to prove it to them. I did not take my first semester until it was already passed and still made sure everything was cleared beforehand. This made the person dealing with their finances stumble and grasp.

“Oh well even though you are disabled the government doesn’t want to take loans that won’t be paid.”

“So you are because of my disability not allowing me to get cleared for subsidized loans?”

“Correct.”

I did not yell or scream. I simply to my lumps and decided to get more information. Now, I took this to some disability lawyers just to get their opinion, and the consensus was either the Portland area had lawyers with no testicles or there was no case to be had. The problem was the decision was to make sure the loans would be repaid. As they are subsidized, the school would need to okay them from government lenders, and because of that, I would not need to pay interest until I was done with school. It was not the loan givers making it so they could not be sued, and the school was making decisions within their right, according to the lawyers around here, so they cannot be sued. From this point, it was just aggravating because there were still problems to be taken care of and the resources available for others were not available to me.

There was something that could be done, but I adapted, and as it stands, I can continue to adapt. This has been something that others have dealt with, making me a little bit miffed, to say the least. I will try to bring more evidence, but I would like to hear from you.

After A TPD discharge has been used and after the three-year time frame has expired, should they, if able, go into college and learn something to better themselves? For example, should disabled people have the right to school loans, or should they not, or is it something in between?

In fact, I may also have something to write about to help more people. Also, sorry this was late. Between health and problems, time decided to move faster than I liked, but I hope you will like the content coming.

Stay Strong.

JoAnn Needs S.O.S For Re-Election

Jo Ann Hardesty is running for re-election, and upon realizing that, I needed a handle of cheap whiskey and several new and amazing drugs to try. I would revert my brain to whatever hormonal beast I was in puberty. If it means the city commissioners currently in office would all go sod off into the sunset. My preference would be the sunset on mars to get that extra bit of distance.

So, some people may actually think she has done a good job. These people are either in the areas that are so bound to sniff their own backside. (looking at you pearl) Or the pieces of the city so gentrified that even the homeless get food from Starbucks. The rest of the city is one great big sweltering nugget of refuse. Fewer businesses are open, more people getting killed, less money is being made, more people are living in the streets, schools are doing worse (remember Oregon made it so now guidelines for things like literacy and math are not needed for a diploma). The amount of hope I have is that this group or someone else is going to screw it up. Before people start mocking them until they run away and hide underneath useless jobs.

Three years is enough to get something positive done, and while there was a pandemic, I am done with letting morons get a free ride. In three years there should be at least one single positive thing that she has done and while comments can be found. The problem is that nothing has changed for the better. I would say that it is more of a shock because one would think that due to someone’s efforts, and by the laws of probability that something would get better. To fail so perfectly is actually harder to do, than every once in a while accidentally tripping over a positive change. No, getting funding is not a positive effect. It’s like setting a sandwich bar with enough tomatoes if you don’t make sandwiches. If you do not execute on the goals then you can be setting it up and still fail. This will tell me how Portland is going and I cannot see it going anywhere good if she gets re-elected, she has shown to be ill-equipped, moronic, and cannot handle the duties of her position. Also, the funny part is everyone going to racism or sexism against the detractors or trolls. What color her skin is, or what genitals she has does not add, detract, or change anything to the foolishness she has filled her years on the board with. I do not care who she is, I care about her work, and her work stinks. If someone cannot understand that, then they need to take a look in the mirror because the ideological tug of war has gotten me tired and this intersectional spew does little to the people trying to make progress on their own efforts and ideas.

My own opinion on how to handle it has been changing for anyone who sees me on Twitter and if anyone has been part of the camp that believes I will calm down in my later years of life, I have some bad news. It still has not happened and for the most that can be done, it does not look like it ever will be happening. As you can see by my additions I add a touch of humor in everything because if one cannot laugh at oneself then I fear life would be very dark at times.

Homeless in Portland

Portland has an issue with the homeless situation and one of the biggest questions is how can we fix it?

To see how we got here we need to realize a few things, one is something people have been wanting to do and that is who is to blame for this whole affair and three parties once can look at Portland’s problems and all of them will lead to something that the citizens will not like to hear. Those three parties are the city council and all the people who had been on it since Wheeler got into office filling in for Hales when he left. Hales leaving by the way has got to be the biggest dodge this side of the matrix because if he knew it or not this cannot be tied so much to him.


Every city commissioner whether they were on before or came on after has to look at the major portion of the blame because for all the power and privilege they could not get any less done without a plan. Jo-ann Hardesty who ran on a campaign against the homeless boulder project trying to craft herself as their champion has shown to be one of the biggest failures to her position in recent memory from how she has bungled the riots with the rest, how she has not been able to get the educational capabilities up to the quality and despite asking for more power she has not been able to handle her normal business in position.


Ted Wheeler, is someone that I thought had to be trying to burn the city down, but since those moments years ago. I wish I could say his quality has also gone up but that would be a bit of a stretch by most standards and even his most ardent defenders have so little to stand on that any time dealing with them online would bring memories of screaming children as both would have no idea what the situation would entail and is just mad because they are on the wrong side of the emotional exchange. Let me say it clearly, I do not think the mayor of Portland is doing this out of spite. I think from his actions in an office he is either very emotional or very stupid and while not pure malice can sometimes look like it at times. His time dealing with the riots as they began, the attack on Andy Ngo, the clash of pro-trump and Antifa groups, the pandemic, the riots, and the side effects have been nothing but a complete failure and one where he still got re-election because the only other person running ran on a campaign dubbing herself the Antifa mayor, from the same group of people that the group never existed and it was just an idea.
So we have the city commissioners and two of the greatest hits among them, but we also need to look at the Multnomah County District Attorney Mike Schmidt whose work about trying to make the justice system fair has led to the most murders in recent history, the most gun violence in recent history, the most assaults n recent history and is such a rampaging buffoon I honestly think that Hitomi Tanaka or any other busty porn star with six weeks of training and an effort to do a good job will do better, and just for the record Hitomi Tanaka does not have a law degree either. Mike Schmidt will go down as the worst amongst everyone who has committed to the position and save for people trying to outclass his glittering capstone in the processes of legal failures upon a community I doubt it will ever be overcome. Under him, there has been a loss of prosecutors that Portland has ranked in the bottom third of prosecutors per 100,000 people according to KATU.

https://katu.com/news/katu-investigates/portland-multnomah-county-playing-catch-up-reducing-violence-da-says

Few people would like to talk about how the police are just blaming without remembering one thing. In the setup, we have as of this writing and the one that has been used for the past decade or so the last word on the police department is the mayor. We have also lost enough police officers that even the Daily Mail is picking up the story and even did an article six months ago expounding upon it.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10186699/Portland-PD-788-cops-lowest-number-1989-amid-violent-crime-surge.html

On top of these two parties in Portland’s power structure being as useful as a wet fart in a toilet paper shortage, we have to move on up to the governor of the state who could be outclassed by several things one may work within a day like a cheese sandwich, a pencil, the previously mentioned wet fart, and that is to name a few. Kate Brown could only be called a success if her goals were to destroy education, raise suffering and actively try to make everyone less skilled and more miserable. In that metric, she has actually done a half-decent job.

Now the most painful part, all of these people have been elected and the city commissioners including Wheeler have not one election but two. That means the people say their work and thought they are good for the ob and that makes me wonder. Do people know what these people do? Kate Brown has been in since 2015, JoAnn Hardesty since 2019, Schmidt was placed in after the previous DA retired, and Wheeler since 2017 after the previous mayor retired and then won his own election.


Mind you some may take all this and see all the democrats and think I am anti-democrat, I am not. I am however very much anti idiot and both of the big parties are filled with zealotry that their own beliefs are the proper ones. Let me explain, no, the party line is not the code to live one’s life Further away from that there is some issue in the citizens that people in some portion want to support all manner of action as long as it makes them feel good in the short term. This will wreak havoc in the long term and while some see that we have to get away from the soft feel-good way of voting and people need to spend a little time to figure out what needs to be done to go from where we are to where we want to be. Otherwise, the people we will have to blame the most for this are ourselves and while I have been trying through various things among everything else and I am doing more about it now.

I think it is clear that we need to get a better quality of the person in the office and we need to realize as citizens that doing something good sometimes will not be easy.

Things that would be more effective in office than the politicians and day listed above.

Offensive Interference

When reality decides to interfere it can feel like you had all momentum stopped and then all you can do is look at where you are and see what stopped you and grit your teeth wondering that some foolish person or thing could not tell when you had been working on something and decided to throw the spanner in the works. It means a lot when you looked at what you had and something comes out of the blue taking away what you did and now you have a project where you have to get the energy to push the boulder up the hill all in the hopes of bringing your project to completion.

You will feel aggravated, angry, furious and there is a point where you may want to use your emotions and simply blow up at everyone who is causing you problems when you have that moment it will be hard to take that emotional energy and instead of using it and cause more negative you put it towards something.

Take a moment and get your beath and then get yourself back to work and use all the venom and vigor from whatever happened and try to make something happen with it. Sometimes this means you just need to tell people to turn tail and pound sand until the deserts are empty. There are moments where such things are all you can do and keep the momentum but it does feel good when you take that pain or anger for anything and you put it in your project.

For me, I had issues with my roommate that took me to use the patience of several saints and not go bonkers when everyone wants to seemingly act like screaming turkeys. When one person in a group has to be the adult or even the human of a group during a situation like that for any period of time.

Breaking down what she had come down from whatever she was on and there had been a conversation that I could not use what little energy I had left trying to go through some of the incidents she had with her friends and others around her and I could not fix things when she decided to fly off the handle. This has been a situation that had been getting progressively worse over the past few months and while I tried to play ball there was so much still to do that I had to look at myself and realize I need to focus on myself more than others because I cannot let people take the majority of my energy and care.

Something else I had learned is no matter what you want to do you have to realize that loyalty is like a precious resource and when people invest it into you. You should invest it in return but when people decide you can’t invest in them you really need to take that time and energy and return it to investing it in yourself.

That means that we have some things coming and obviously I need to move so with that I hope I can find somewhere that is more secure to work on my stuff, but overall progress is progress so I will take it.

Stay Strong.

Where Am I?

My this week was rough, but we are getting stuff done. Got some food for the recipes so provided I don’t get hit with the black plague or poisoned I should be able to get some of that in the coming weeks.

Grants for the business are in and if things go well I can get some help to get everything in order. Which leads me to the new page about Golden Spangle food, as time goes on that will be the first base for buying the products, currently it is just a logo. Things are falling in place for the business on the Indiegogo and I am looking at some things for the labels right now. Business class has been great in finding things that could be done to make the opening process easier.

Health wise has been a problem because I have through work gotten myself a bronchial infection and right now I am just trying to get as much done as I can while trying not to burn myself out. Being sick can really hammer your energy and doctors have given me notes to go back when at least the worst of it is done. Still, there seems to be more stuff do at every turn and then the projects currently not on the top of the docket still need some time and love so that is going to be fun soon.

Writing wise we had a bit of a setback as the heavy edits were not up to snuff so I sent all my writing back to rough draft and now we are pushing them through again starting with light edits to get that done a little better that way we can really polish it through heavy. We have been able to employ a few programs to help make that a little less painless and while it doesnt catch everything it gets majority out of the way.

College wise it has been draining but so far we are doing well and it has been good enough that we can prove to Vocational Rehab and get them to pay the rest. This semester had been a bit of a prove it where they had to see if I could be a full time student before getting the chance of doing all of this in stone and it is looking good so far. When all of this is done I hope there will be a lot at the end of this year that will be able to look at and say that much less to go.

Instagram I would hope to be at 200 followers but maybe I just dont do enough punchy stuff to get people interested. It happens, maybe they would join later. I am getting close to 400 on twitch and that is amazing to me so I got to figure something else with that.

Actually as I write this, I hit 400 so now we plan something cool and start aiming for 500, progress happens when you may not expect it sometimes.

This makes

Thanks for joining me so far and of course

Stay Strong

Bad Days and Good Days

Bad days always make me grit my teeth as it seems they happen more and more. But, when your body seems to be falling shorter every day, there will always be good days and wrong and how you feel from one to the other.

When it is a bad day, it seems you are always a step back, on the back foot, and nothing can be done except getting as much done as you can and sleeping at the first opportunity. You can do a lot these days, and it just stinks sometimes. Pain is something that will always be there, and you could feel out of gas before you get out of the front door. Nothing feels worse than feeling less than your best, and things seem like you could do it, but you are not all there.

The day goes on, and you grind out what can be done, and all it leaves you is more tired with little done but a lot of trying. Nothing makes you feel so weak when your body feels like it is betraying you despite the best of your intentions until you finally fall over swearing at whatever gods are listening that you have to deal with such suffering, all for the sake of growing migraines. On top of all that, anything sticking in your craw when it comes to social relationships.

Bad days are like trying to stand up, and it isn’t the world against you. It is your body actively trying to fight your efforts, and it feels like gears grinding against gears. There is no workflow. There is no energy, and everything you try to push up only gets you to from waking up to going back to sleep without enough to make you happy in your days.

Now, if you could not guess, I am not very happy most days. If I did a hundred squats, I would want double. If I could lift a quarter ton, I want to lift half. If I have ten hours of energy, then I want fourteen.

However, when a good day comes, it feels different. For me, it is standing in a storm with winds whipping about around just an area for two parties to handle their differences in as physical a manner as they see fit. Just the winds blow, and the rains fall, and there is a crack of lightning and thunder, and it just feels like it is correct. Look across the area, and it is whatever is in your way, and all you have is the time and the moment to handle your business, and know that one of you will be left standing.

That is a good day that no matter me walking with a cane, I can take a breath and smell the lightning and feel the tremors and lock on target. It is just running and having a moment where it feels like that makes me dangerous. It makes me feel just for a moment like nothing wrong ever happened because I can take it all out on my targets. Good days are rare, but they feel good when they happen.

What are your good days and bad days like? Comment below.

Stay Strong.

Hyper Plans

Welcome all to a running tally of my madness. No, not really, but still I bet some of you have felt the same things working on your stuff for so long, and with some writers finding some peace after NanoWrimo. When it feels like there is always more to do and the body cannot handle all of it sometimes makes you think you never should have tried. I happen to fall in the trap of thinking as one thing cannot be done as fast as I would like that it would be worthless for me to do it at all.

On top of everything else I am going back to college and I could be getting some medical help for something that has been bothering me for a long time now. For those who do not know, between the fights, the diet, the issues of my body not absorbing well had made my teeth that more of a hockey smile versus regular smile and it has been something that people have been made nervous seeing it, and I had just finished the paperwork to get some help.

I could be going to college, and while some may some it has less value then ever there are certain holes in my game it could help cover and I will love to learn about how to do that especially if I do not need to be the one to pay in ( That is the trick after all.) This is more of a future bet on myself to use the training for something that could get me back on my feet despite all the damage this body has carried over the years.

Finally, the big thing of what is going on and that is the food company is coming together there are more things being filled out in the business plan and soon there will be a need to start getting the word out. Costing has gone well I felt and even with the containers at the worst profit margin one could it had been something that came out where I wanted which may be bad or good but it provides the best price point without being so cheap that people find something wrong with it, people had done that before from what I sold and it was a painful lesson. Sell at the point where people feel comfortable, because that is a thing, and if you did not know that, now you do. I would say find it just high enough that it invites faith in the product through their price point but not so high where people are needlessly taken out of potentially buying it, because that is not what we want, we ant people to enjoy the thing we make at the base value.

I say it all here because I have a habit of going too low and suddenly think there is something wrong with it. This is more for me and look back to go, ‘hey, ya you talked about it, take your own advice.’ Sometimes we need to give ourselves such advice I have pushed myself far, but it has been something that we can make a lot of progress on things and while I still need to balance some things it is times like these I wish I would get my old batteries back.

Wishes are like ifs and buts, candies and nuts, Toronto still gets no cup, or however the line went, in any case there is still some energy going through me and that means there is still stuff to be done so please take the time and peruse some of the things you may find on the books page, right now everything on there is for free, but I am also editing my own original works and those will have a price after some people who write more for a living, and learning how I can use each place I post as something different.

This post is going to sound like a kid hopped up on sugar and I do not care, we are looking at things for the indiegogo plan so if there is something you want to see , please let me know, follow me in the spots I wark at and I hope the stuff I can do makes your day brighter in some aspect.

Seasons Greetings and Stay Strong

Banging My Head Against A Wall

Drying things yourself will be interesting. The items last much longer and are much easier to pulverize to powder. The problem is drying removes water which, takes away a lot of mass which means I will need more of it.

The good news is that it holds very well after being bagged up. Drying such things makes it valid for items like ramen packs, another source for a product line. If I can make a good pack in America, it could sell well.

When I can get a smoker that works for a smaller amount by cold smoking, I will work on it. Right now, I have a smoker grill, but it would be difficult to use it for smaller amounts. I wonder how that will work. In any case, maybe there is another way to get the smoking effect I am looking for.

Doing more research on who might be against me in sales is the Oregon Spice Company, which seems to only work with businesses. Through my searches in stores (when I could), I could not find any products they sold, which means they would only be competing on the business-to-business scale.

Then there was an issue that came from my family. I found out that my mother had died. The first thing that had been from that was actually a disappointment. A portion of my family had used her. Through previous visits, rare they may be, that she was not getting better care, and her own doctors and physical therapists have said just as much.

My sister would use everyone to make her own life better and emotionally manipulate all to do so. She was someone who made the deal to get our mother out of my care and under her own. Through my visits, the care she had brought and been much worse than under my supervision, and I knew it, and my mother knew it as well.

If all these people knew it, if the rest of the family understood what that meant, why didn’t they try and make an effort to give better care? Well, my father, who had the house, gave up. My sister was lazy and thought smoking was the better idea to while away her time. My sister’s husband, who lived with them, did his best but found caring for two kids and an elder and trying to clean up the house while doing his work, which was too much for him.

My brother couldn’t stand to be around them and their egotistical ways. My father couldn’t deal with the problems and just gave up and walked back into his room and his games and gave up all other goals or dreams and letting my sister run the show for the most part.

Dealing with her passing is like banging ahead in the well, like my father, her ex-husband, after a 20-year marriage. My sister is in charge of the funeral and her paperwork. She has already botched it enough times the extended family had to call her out. It has been disappointing, but I plan to focus on my goals and hope the family can clear their shit out.

Relaxing when Onions get Expensive

I got to put my hair down, so to speak, and go see a concert, a concert whose tickets I had been holding since before the pandemic. Joy. The show still had a VIP meetup but did not tell me about it because I didn’t buy it in July or September. I held on to my tickets from 2020.

Thanks, Moda Center; nothing makes me feel like I know what I am doing, like getting your people on phone calls and getting “I don’t know for 30 minutes” and no effort to help out. Makes me feel like a real wunderkind when the guy with half a properly working nervous system can do better.

Do I sound angry? Really I am not. Lindsay Stirling had a great concert, and I was close enough that the bass gave me a free back massage through my ribcage for missing the VIP meetup earlier.

Roommate couldn’t get her paperwork, so I invited a past co-worker who I knew liked it. All the while, I couldn’t shake the idea that I should be trying to look at different formulas for flavor profiles or work on my project and being in a group of people like that.

Well, to say out of place would be an understatement.

Moda center needs better food, though. Seating-wise, the front area near the stage was sold out. However, it was not a complete sell-out which is sad; Lindsay Stirling is a bright, bubbly person that is almost so saccharine sweet that every jaded one will feel their own hearts growing a size by the end of the show. It shows honestly, though, and I would suggest it if you like her music.

Doing other things when I could be working on my projects makes me fidgety, it makes my breath hitch a little more, and I get a little more skittish when I need to stand still.

Started building the price book and a couple new formulas I want to try that I think will be proper hits. One stumbling block has been my roommate, who was borrowing my digital scale, has lost it, so I will need to replace it to get more accurate numbers on use and volume. Overall though, it was a good experience. It made me think of more than just what but the why with some exciting introspection.

Costs are still going up, but luckily I can make things in a way that doesn’t kill the price, I feel. I still need to math it out to find out what my cost is and how to get the best profit from it.

Always some to do, but progress can be found even in lighter weeks. Hope things are going well for you.

Stay Strong.