Moments and Change

We all have moments. Moments where we look at how we have been and what we have done and realize something needs to change. It could be after a bad day, you get home, and people don’t talk to you or respect your opinion in decision making, it could be that when you are owed money, you suddenly find yourself unable to find them to talk to, but when the reverse occurs, you need to change your life to pay them back.

I have been there, and over time some may want to post joker memes and dream about them being a criminal to society. Well, you don’t need to do that, your life may need to be changed by your own mind, but I find that it is time that your body and the back of your mind wants you to work on something. Take those moments, and instead of getting mad, find what it wants you to focus on. I need to work more on my social issues. There will be things moving forward that will be hard for me because it is a weakness, and it does not work well in society, and I have to adapt. Those moments are saying.

““Hey, this is your brain cell speaking. Change your plan, dipshit!””

Sometimes your brain cell does not swear, but I have been a cook for a good decade. There is a lot of swearing between my years. Over the years, I have taken the time to translate what is common usage to be as specific as possible. For those who want the original mental soundtrack imagine a lot less patience and enough F-bombs to make any argument reminiscent of a fourth of July show.

When you get those moments, though, when you snap, when you look at your life and realize it has gone off the rails, some people will take the time to go out in a blaze of glory. Still, some will grow from it; in this case, the pressure will make diamonds out of you. It will turn you into a gem. You just need to make it through. Going through pressure cooker moments is tough because there is no trick or way to have it go away save for getting it done. Learn from the message, and I hope in doing so, your brains talk a lot cleaner than mine when sending those internal messages, but still, just take a moment and get back on the tracks you need before going again.

Stay Strong.

Beat or Be Beaten

I was on Twitch chilling on another person’s channel(Unceasingdragon), and they were a disabled streamer working out. The topic came to what disability is and how sometimes there are gifts if you can find them. Despite everything in the world seemingly going wrong and it feeling like the world is against you, there was something that we all agreed on, and that is you got two choices, sit and suffer or be the one to beat it. No matter how it is, there is something simple, and it is something I agree with.

When you are dealt a bad hand but have no way out, you learn to adapt, try to overcome, and sometimes fail. Outside of stopping to try, though, there is little that cannot say more progress cannot be made, and from that, all you need is effort and a little luck to make sure things fall in your favor. Sometimes it may take some time to fall in your favor, and sometimes it may feel like hell just to get out of bed in the morning, but you have to do what you must do.

Note: This came a week late due to being end of semester projects. After the death of Queen Elizabeth, I thought it was a good idea to let it wait until the following Monday, and then I had muscle spasm, so here it is

Now, I have been told that there are programs for people who are disabled to get help for example. That is true, it just takes, on average, six years, and you need to deal with some judges so stupid that if you had faith in people at all to read at a fourth-grade level, it is gone now. In short, for most, help ain’t coming, so you got to do the thing.

Minus the game, gun, armor, health, ai friend, and that makes it more difficult. Now, on top of all this, I have begun discussing being a villain. Some people are wondering what that is, and all of it boils down to this.

A villain is an antagonist to a hero. In a time where everyone is the hero of their own story, sometimes people take trying to be the hero for people too far and pervert what it means. When bad heroes exist, there should be an answer; in it, we find the villains, and one thing I can say about current goings on. Oh boy, we have a lot of bad heroes, so maybe it’s time to have some good villains. Being a villain does not mean you have to be evil. It is one of the meanings, but it does not have to be the one you pick. In fact, the one I use for this is simply being an antagonist to a hero. Being a villain, you can have some losses and come back where heroes may have to fight every time, and we all know in this world, sometimes a tactical retreat is a good option.

So coming soon, I will write on that subject and hopefully bring some positives to this blog. Goodness knows we can use it.

Stay strong

Villain Life

I love villains. Call it for what it is but in my life a lot of people who wore good titles like heroes and mentors supposedly were in it for their own needs and it seemed time and again that people who wore the good really were more rotten then those known to be bad. Hell, we can see that today. Every politician who says they care, every teacher who wants yo to do well only to make themselves look good or push you somewhere if they do not believe in you so their numbers do not fall. Parents who would supposed to help their kids only to beat and cripple them for months or years at a time

Then people would look at that and would ask me to be a good guy and time after time in my life when people and while I wanted to do good things. I could not say in confidence I was a good guy and it made me doubtful of myself and over time a lot of things had come to light but one of them was this. If I told you I worked from the bottom up and pushed myself despite disability and tried to volunteer and help others some may call that good, but I wouldn’t because I do not want to feel so sure that I would disappoint those who would think me to be a hero or even good.

Ever since then the self introduction has been a villain.”My name is X and I am a villain trying to take over the world in my spare time.” From that intro I have figured a lot out.

One, it throws all the stereotypes off because if you can say that seriously and defend it people are not used to it and hence have to work with what they see and what they know from you. In social circles it is a blanks slate powered from a bad title and backed by years of blurring lines from media. From that it has made me take a more accurate self cataloging of skills and abilities to the point if I know the personality test and my mood I know my results down to three points from disc testing to Myers Briggs.

Two, there is so much evil in the world and the majority of it is built on a lie. People think those that can be trusted can be trusted because they are the good guys and when someone claims to wear the black hat and does good deeds there is that little bit of mixed signals causing them to not believe everything to always have doubt. In this case that is a good thing because with doubt they may be able to see things that I cannot because of ego or other factors. To be a villain in public is simply to let your actions define you because no one has anything else to work from. Even if they try to tie your handle to villains there are so many that like a hero they would need to figure it out and that would after trying to find fault in your actions realize they are in the exact same position as they would be with a hero the only difference being nowadays one has used the title to lie and get more out of people and the other does the opposite.

Evil and villainy is different in my eyes and with so many words getting broader in meaning. This one though works off of a simple mechanic. It deals with the old adage “everyone is the hero of their own story” Well, below is the definition of a villain.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/villain

When the heroes do wrong it is time for a villain to stand up. One can be a villain and still do good because it all depends on the hero on is opposing. There a lot of heroes who are not worthy of the title and now I think it is time for some villains to come and show how things can be done.

So if you feel the world is not respecting what a hero is and people are tarnishing the title turn to something that would be once forgotten. Let your actions define you and be a villain.

Stay strong.

College Loans and Disability

You know, I was initially going to just make a blog post about some positive things in the twitch community. However, something a little more serious has come into play after some thought. So now I will preface it with this. I have tried to get statements from others having this problem, but they did not want to come forward and put their names on it. So the only story I have is my own, but I can say others have had this problem. Unfortunately, no one at this time wants to step forward.

For those who are unaware, I am taking college classes, particularly in two fields of study, business administration and quantitative economics, some pretty heavy stuff. Now I am starting my first few years at a community college and making sure everything has no hiccups. I thought of getting some school loans just in case I could not work my job or something were to occur where if one had to focus on schooling and not work for a time, then it could be done.

Here is the problem. Due to health issues and previous school loans, now in a degree that can no longer be worked, I have what was called a TPD discharge. A total and permanent disability discharge. This means the government in a different department looked at what I originally did and thought. “This guy is no longer medically clear to work the degree he spent time learning and we cannot in good faith have him pay on it.”

Now it also means for three years, I cannot take any school grants, and I cannot take any more school loans until that period is over. I got the help, but for three years, I was on my own if I wanted to go to school. I am not getting any help from my family as they are concentrating on burning everything they have for the sake of cigarettes and cheap nail polish. Grants do take care of classes, but to make sure rent is covered by something would be some relief that I could use. Now, with Biden declaring how a portion of student loans will be forgiven, it would be really good to know what I took out would be removed.

Well, no, I have some questions about the amount and how that will hit a market already ballooning with inflation (remember economics major). The problem is before anyone points at my school loans as a gotcha, one has to be aware. No subsidized loans were made available to me. In fact, the community college in question declared that either a signed note backed by my neurologist or doctor stating that my health was 100% and my previous disability was gone or there would be no subsidized loans available.

It sounded weird, so meetings online were planned and attended where we could go over them more in-depth. The amount asked was not in question as it was low enough it could be handled by a subsidized loan. Still, the fact the Portland Community College explained it was due to the three-year time frame that had already expired with evidence to prove it to them. I did not take my first semester until it was already passed and still made sure everything was cleared beforehand. This made the person dealing with their finances stumble and grasp.

“Oh well even though you are disabled the government doesn’t want to take loans that won’t be paid.”

“So you are because of my disability not allowing me to get cleared for subsidized loans?”

“Correct.”

I did not yell or scream. I simply to my lumps and decided to get more information. Now, I took this to some disability lawyers just to get their opinion, and the consensus was either the Portland area had lawyers with no testicles or there was no case to be had. The problem was the decision was to make sure the loans would be repaid. As they are subsidized, the school would need to okay them from government lenders, and because of that, I would not need to pay interest until I was done with school. It was not the loan givers making it so they could not be sued, and the school was making decisions within their right, according to the lawyers around here, so they cannot be sued. From this point, it was just aggravating because there were still problems to be taken care of and the resources available for others were not available to me.

There was something that could be done, but I adapted, and as it stands, I can continue to adapt. This has been something that others have dealt with, making me a little bit miffed, to say the least. I will try to bring more evidence, but I would like to hear from you.

After A TPD discharge has been used and after the three-year time frame has expired, should they, if able, go into college and learn something to better themselves? For example, should disabled people have the right to school loans, or should they not, or is it something in between?

In fact, I may also have something to write about to help more people. Also, sorry this was late. Between health and problems, time decided to move faster than I liked, but I hope you will like the content coming.

Stay Strong.

Bad Apples in Education

Yup, visual aids today.

You know, it makes you wonder if they think everything is such a problem rooted in white supremacy why they should leave. But, let’s be honest, these teachers have excelled since allowing BIPOC students and others do not need to pass requirements because requirements are more challenging for them, and they can’t handle them.

No, this is not a joke. They actually said that. Time for some receipts. You see, a lot of results are only based on information released every two years, and the last set was 2019, and 2021 has not been released yet. I would wonder why but I can guess the term harrowing shit show does not even begin to describe it. So here is what we know before they try hiding the news that all of this has gone very wrong.

First, this will be based in my home state of Oregon. However, sources will have things so you can look to your heart’s content in your home.

You may have heard all these things about the educators in our state, and you have to think that people are doing so good here that we are just wrapping up details. That we have the rest of the world of education on lock in the state. We may act like it, but we could be no further from that. On top of a racist governor, not one who says anything is racist but an actual one when she claimed through her office that requirements are too hard and colored students cannot handle it. I have gone one about the education in the state with varying levels of patience. So pardon me if the people in this state crow like they have won the game only to act like a pigeon shitting on the chessboard.

Teachers are getting paid more in the state. The average is sixty thousand dollars. It is now more than the average in the state. A lot of them, I am sure, use some of that money and put that towards the class, they should not need to, especially with the budgets of money going to these schools, but there is something else that is going on as well. This will piss off many people, but at some point, the teachers as a whole, their work needs to be looked at, and we have to say, is this what we want for our next generations?

Oregon is against a lot of private schools. They make it very difficult to work here, and I wonder why considering their test scores. We have, as a state, tried to make it more inclusive but less useful. Well, when people are just sitting at a desk for twelve years and cannot make themselves breakfast or cannot balance a checkbook and I see they have a diploma, the blame goes to the schools. Parents should be teaching them something, but they should be able to work within the state system and be comfortable that they are at minimum being taught enough that they can be the best version of themselves. Some may argue with it, saying that it is too high a target. That may be true, except they aren’t even getting the majority of students to hit grade standards. About a quarter can do it, which is taken from the state’s report card. Science-wise, it looks like maybe a third can do it, and reading and comprehension are about as laughable as it gets.

We are in the unfortunate position that people should be looking at the school districts. We wonder if maybe they do not have the best intentions because, as we can see from the results, they do not have the best results for their effort. There is a lot that could be done, but when the results have been so low for so long, and mind you, this is with online schooling capabilities, then we need to wonder.

Is this system working? If not, why is so much money being put towards it when clearly it is not doing the job? The value that money is getting in the hands of the education system is losing value through their actions.

Now, does this mean there are good teachers in the state? Absolutely, I have had a few. The problem is I have also had some nasty ones. I will not think the good ones would be happy knowing that all the time, effort, and energy they put into their craft is being pissed one by someone who can barely read to a standard themselves and has to teach others to do it. Also, that little quip that is the best-case scenario because, let us say, some of these bad teachers who claim everything is racist and claim everything is a microaggression, and it hurts their feelings. When the best case is misunderstanding how things work by people in that position needs to be put in question because it is not good enough by many of the worst parts of it.

I say all of this because it seems we are not done with this year, and I hope things do get better for the sake of our future. I want the state to be the best in education. I want people to come to Oregon so they can say they went through our school system because of the intellectual rigors and challenges we provide. I want people, whether poor, rich, black, white, Asian, or Indian, to come to the state and say…

“If I can make it through the school system here I will be ready to go for anything life can throw at me.”

Unfortunately, this is not being done. In fact, people are leaving with fewer skills than ever as the world competes on higher stages. It seems students through the school systems, which means that we will at some point either take the initiative and fix it or we will have to do it when it breaks completely. Considering how low these test scores are, I wonder when that will be the case.

https://www.nationsreportcard.gov/

https://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2021/09/24/oregon-dropped-test-requirements-what-that-means-for-the-states-testing-future

https://www.alecreportcard.org/state/

July is Over

There is a level where you do something, and there seems to be a part of you that wants to do the chaos dance, especially against a specific group. In Genshin Impact, the term ‘chaos mage’ may be familiar. For those who would play it, they would be in a single element, often shielded, and make your life that much worse in game. Out of game, a chaos mage is someone who does something intricate to anger or tweak the nose of a group. So there is a writing project that will add to the books to get everything even more chaotic, but this is something I had a giggle fit when listening to everyone talk about the lore of World of Warcraft, something I know less than some breakfast dishes about. An idea came that I should take the most egregious of the lore spinners. Such spinners think their crap doesn’t stink, and they own the book on all things within the universe and tweak their nose to the point they crack under pressure or laugh at the absurdity of my work.

On top of that, there is a bit of fun that will be a little later as this is also being used to pad my word counts a touch because let us say things in the writing competition I am in as come down to in the third week a difference of over 150 words. All the projects need formatting, getting to the point of hilarity. Remember, there is a large, almost nutty pile of things that can be formatted and worked on to their release, and it is getting to the point where things are silly if I do not. This does not mean they are great works of fiction, but over time I think they have gotten better from the first drafts. I need to get a lot of these out soon. After that, I will need to look at my classes and my projects, but something about competing is what I missed. It reminds me of who I was once and who I can be again, and for the briefest moments, I forget the pain and feel like I can charge one more time. I will be the first three-time winner, but oh boy, it will be tough to do it. Through this whole thing, it looks like I will be close to a million not in a year but in three individual months, and that is more than I ever thought done. If my score ends at 333k, that will mean there will be something to the tune of 850 thousand words written and edited in three months, and that will be amazing writers groups or not.

With that kind of fire, there are projects that will make a dip in the water, and there is excitement coming through me. It will not be an easy fight, someone is trying to make their second victory in this, and they had competed in one of the first events. Who wins, the old guard looking to show they can make a comeback or the current champ? Mind you, a rival is gaining steam. A shadowy writer is trying to catch up, so all of this converges at one moment where people can all try, and only one person will win. I will talk about how I did next week from this post, but like any day with a blog post, it must end with something.

Stay Strong.

Tunnel Vision on the Finish Line

There are moments in your life when talking really has to stop. When a goal is right in front of you and all you can do is just stretch yourself and grasp it. After every pain and practice you took to be good at something it was within that moment it all added up and those extra inches, and moments added to all you could do making you seem more then your usual self. Despite all the good and bad in the world it takes so much focus that you cannot see much else except on the task in front of you and what it means to you. It could be something big or something small.

I love these moments because there is no place for me to soften the sting of failure, I did it or I failed and good competition makes it something where you have to rise to the challenge. When you look in the mirror and there is no more talking and there is a bizarre calmness where you have to just do it and there is nothing else that can be done. You could be crippled or poor but they cannot take you away from you and making yourself work to the best of your strengths and lose the least from your weaknesses is something that can make you smile because you have a chance.

So let me answer why these writing events are like that for me. Because, all three months, all three events had been under different circumstances and had enough to deal with. One I didn’t even know if I was a writer, two was when it only mattered to me and I matched the only other person out of hundreds of possible people who had won twice. This one, means I have to keep everything going to such a degree where I cannot fail because if I do then everything fails. I am currently an honor student, I am in summer classes. I am working part time and I am training to get in better shape. All of this in the same time frame, day by day and work on your projects, your food, your music and your stream do it all and do not let anything go one inch back. It makes me smile because it is just the level of crazy that I would approve of, and the thing when it is done like this. When people make excuses there is some attempt to mar it but the sheer amount, the sheer volume and list of everything done is something where people can try to make excuses but it would only make them look foolish.

You may do badly and tell everyone it was a conspiracy, but let us be honest you know better. Good or bad sometimes you just are not at the level you want and you take that fire to grow and turn into something you are proud of. Change is coming and there is a point where you instead of running away from it just brace you feet and start running knowing win or lose with whatever comes you may make some memories and you have just that inkling of that faith in you because you made it through harder times, through more painful times, through, more depressing times, and you still finished to the best of your ability.

There is something maddening and yet something not because when you run hot you feel it through you. You know you are running like a fine tuned machine and hiccups aside this is as good as you will get at this time and now people or yourself has to deal because there is no chance you are letting this time, that practice and all that work go to waste. Is the world gonna suck? Always, to some degree, but you have control over you and how you react and some can be happy and bubbly and some not but you can do this and make it happen all you have to do is push a little more. Stretch yourself and grab the banner at the finish line on your goals. People may not get it and they do not need to, if goals were easy everyone would do it, and a lot of people do not do a darn thing.

Find something and start pushing because the world is gonna change and you might as well do it, because you never know what you can do sometimes if you just go.

Stay strong and write your legend.

Oxymoronic Oregon

You know how last week I said I was not going to get political? Ya, I am going to be somewhat here here and not against Roe V Wade but on something on a much smaller level that is infinitely infuriating. Roe V Wade has been something of a painful remainder that sometimes people will see whatever they want to see hoped up on zealotry for their own side, and I would rather be drunk then deal with that again.

So I found out something. We have an independent party in Oregon. Sounds weird right, like jumbo shrimp or easy loans, it is a set of word that could be something and makes about as much sense as a cup holder on the roof of your car. Why is this of all things something that makes me want to take the speed run from helpful citizen to classic super villain? In most other political conversation Independent often mean unaffiliated of either the two major parties or of parties on the whole depending on the particular conversation. Well, Oregon’s independent party, is a major party and that means it gets billing with Republicans and Democrats. They claim 136,000 members are part of their party and I am throwing the bullshit flag here because I polled everyone I could within my voice, so most of the zip code. Very few understood it was a party and especially a major party, most people thought, like me, it was unaffiliated.

When one is part of a party they first need to go through a voting in party for each position, and since I did not understand we had the oxymoron tribe claim a spot I did not check if I needed to join. The other part that makes me want to spit is that the majority of the party caucus either votes behind a cross nominated Democrat or Republican. It has already been challenged and despite only half of the people could understand from the parties own research that yes it was a party the judge agreed. Caucus is already done and decisions are made because a rather gutless bit of wordplay and that is exactly the kind of person you get with a career politician.

I learned, changed to unaffiliated and hopefully will be in position by next year to try for something. Losses will happen and sometimes it is more of a learning experience then it is a serious attempt to run for a position, but now I want everyone to do it. Knock them all out, if people look at that sort of thing and with everything else going on see that people are able to make a living on such things then you have the right to take it from them and make yourself better then they ever could. You, the person can get into politics if you do not know how, hell it may be something I write about from this point because that sort of me just does not sit well with me.

If I can fail then let me fail on my effort that sort of thing seems like a gotcha trap if you expect things to make any sort of sense but that is okay. We learn, and out there is the future leaders that the current leaders are afraid of because of the greatness that can be ushered in unaffiliated, Independent, Democrat or Republican. These times will test people and they will continue but money cant be taken into the grave and everyone meets with the reaper eventually. Do not kill or maim, do not commit crime to hurry those affairs, but find yourself ready because in the hard times like the ones that some of us are already having, the ones coming for more of us, those where legends are forged.

Be A Legend.

One More Time in Tourney of Tomes

No, I am not getting into the supreme court decisions at this time. I have had to explain no less than three separate times when even those on Twitter cannot argue the points. The actual facts, well, I am going to take the time and go over things because otherwise, it has been a good week, and people can get doom and gloom anywhere else. So for this moment, the move seems to be to take the time and go over the positives because more stuff got done, and for everything to progress, there are still things to learn.

July, the target is to claim the Game of Tomes top spot for the third consecutive time and have more books, more things, and all of what could be done. After that, nothing else could be done, and paperwork is getting in to join the student senate, granted at community college. Still, all things start at one point or another. If for the third time, my name stands at the top of the individual board, that means not only done three separate times, not only back to back, but it would be for twelve months straight. My first was in the November competition last year, then the tourney of tales after that, and from the first day of the previous Game of Tomes to the next, it will be one full year. Getting this third event means that for 365 days, the top writer and editor on Twitch is me since for at least another full year, at a minimum, no one would be able to do it. I am the second to do it back to back, but three times means something a little more, allowing me to knock out more stuff off the writing list.

News from the doctor came back bad because while there was a lot of good seen from the diet and exercise regiment, there was a fear that pushing to join any strongman events this year would be a risk too many and so has said as of now unless a severe change can be done that clearance will not be granted. That hurts but is understandable and does not stop the physical process of trying to better myself. It just means it may take longer.

Added is also a link to the nexus page https://www.nexus.gg/mrbigtanderson a game storefront for creators where a small portion of it goes to me. Do not push yourself, but every so often, it will change just to see, and sometimes a good deal will be there. Check if you are looking for something new. All of it has been something, and there is still a lot to do. There always is, so stay strong. 

Honor Roll.

It has been a rough week, I got to play video games with my uncle and now have a 4.0 going through two semesters in college which is a welcome surprise. When it comes to the whole thing though there is always places to excel and this leads me to my work. Summer semester is currently in doubt because of issues from Vocational rehab after finding out the grants will not help in the summer.

There has been work on the project front and all things willing should be starting out to go to farmers markets to talk to people and see if a couple could try my products. Part of me has been wondering despite all the trying and efforts if I am good enough to do it and maybe instead I am just hopped up on my own ego.

During my whole life growing up up until me leaving. I cannot tell you times I had been struck by my family, but I can count on my hands during that time how many hugs I had gotten. There had been always a kind of prove it culture growing up in my family and part of me thinks that chasing all these goals has been a dark evolution of my determination due to that sort of thing.

Does this mean I am going to stop. Fack no. I look at my goals more then talk to some friends what it does mean though is it often leads me to think that maybe stuff like this is only how I will ever find myself in a better situation of living. There is a want to change the world, to make it better and there are multiple ways currently being used. Seeing my city fall to disrepair, to squalor still kills me for Portland is a beautiful city and it is going to be that way again and the world will be better, but first I need to find skills and grow my ways in more then ever before.

To the future, stay strong.