Lost Friends

Recently the week has been rough. Things were going well, but I realized a reason that I had not heard from someone was that they no longer with us. It kind of stings because this teacher was someone who I had talked to the last conversation was about my nerve damage had blocked me from a lot and she just said “You will make it.”

Well, cut to a couple months after that conversation, she died, no one told me, she never made mention that she had been sick for a couple years afterward. Just, it stings, I felt like I should have put it together, but from what I heard after being shocked by the news, no one else knew either. Meaning she kept it to herself. Which would be like her, it’s just stings because there was something that could have been something she would have liked to work on since I am a student senator. Unfortunately, she was someone who did not want to show weakness and it hurts.

She was smart as a whip, and honestly the world is a little dimmer now that she is gone. It hurts that I did not know for so long. One of the few times I cried too, but she was an anime fan. So this would be something she would have been happy with me using.

A couple days there should be another post.

Enjoy your friends, and Stay Strong.

A New Experiment

I have an idea one that you may not see in connection to this blog if I did it right. Something where I hope it will get me more to the efforts of trying new things and in doing so show people success can be had. There has been progress on goals and for that I am grateful. It just is not enough.

What do you do when things are not working, well you go to do something else and see if it is better. Cannot say it will be, but for what I hope it will be enough for me to get some supplies together because one thing that had to be pounded in my head is one cannot give if one does not have and that means this year has to be my best one yet, granted college has been good for me but it cannot last.

For this project thought it is integral I do not speak of it again until it is done. For the progress on that I am looking for there needs to be something to be removed and this experiment. I hope at the end it will be something that we can look toward as something that could possibly shed light on a question because over my writing I hemmed and hawed for so long that soon some of them would go to grade school if they had been children.

The experiment will be based on this, because what if someone who is wanting to do something has no name? My guess, is that there will be an openness that come with it and to do so while there will most likely be some imitators on the case that there is any level of success and there hopefully will be, it just is something that sometimes I do not feel proud of the progress I have done or the thing I have and it just is held for some reason so hopefully this experiment takes care of that.

What the other thing is well, I have been very angry and while trying to make it positive there is a point of rage for me that is not hot, it is cold, it is ice cold and it is not something fun for others to be around. I do need to use it though so maybe this is the way to make sure things can stay separate until maybe some of it is used up. This year was rough and I have been dealing with more then what I can handle and talking to therapists had been something that has been rather fruitless.

Even though the experiment will have some releases there should be some this next year, we shall see.

Stay strong and happy new year

Question for those who stayed, what are some things you are afraid of in your projects and some things you would like to get to?

First O’ The Year.

The new year and it already feels like there is a lot of uncertainty in the world. Working on a lot of things it makes me wonder what the year has in store for me and I can only hope that a lot is going to come and part of something that has been the big problem for me has been my youtube channel.

I don’t know what people will want to see on the site and looking at my channel that has been around for a while and at this point I do not know what to do with it. I want to have something with it and it has just been something where there should be something and the time has changed that I will do more on Twitch then YouTube and I want to do something here, I just don’t feel that gaming is it for me here, right now.

Enough of the down, here is what is going on Millwordy is going to be fun, college classes are on for later this month and I am excited and I am looking at getting the business plan polished because we need to figure out how to get some money and how to get these products to more people. We have had some good talks so far and the end of the year has ended with some high notes when it comes to restaurants starting with orders.

Writing is going to be big and depending on how I can get to other projects there may be much more coming, but I also have to learn a couple things on those ways. In any case I hope you all find yourself a happy new year and things do get better in your lives.

Ever play Jet Set Radio Future? I love that game, when I think of being part of a group it is really that game because each character had their own personality but they came together for their own group. That and DJ Professor K was awesome. Video games have such an ability to go into depth of story and honestly I do not think we even scratched far beneath the surface on it. I hope to get to the point I can help produce them but that will be something down the road. Not as far as it was last year but sometime down there still.

Anywho I hope you all enjoy and I will be here next week 😀

Stay Strong

Donation vs Investment

One of the biggest things that drove me up wall when I was homeless is beggars. ( I wrote this when still homeless) Begging to me is just telling everyone you gave up and you expect others to come pick you up because life is hard. I never begged and I won’t support those that do.

“No! Really? Life is hard?“wonka

I thought it was sunshine and rainbows that gave me nerve damage. Life is and will always be hard and unfair and if someone says they will make it far then you will most likely see someone’s heart get chewed up over a small period of time.

Snark and sarcasm aside, and I use mine because it helps me not got crazy. Life will be hard to those in this situation, that is just the truth. That is a fact and you can take everything that can be learned and it will still be difficult. What will change is how you will answer the call. Responding is the only difference you are in control of and how it will effect you, and it would be smart to make it work for you and not against you.

One quote I think of comes from the Yakuza games.

“As long as I’m alive, I’m coming back for more.” Daisaku Kuze

So is there an ‘actual difference’ between what the two are when you are homeless? In my personal opinion when people ask for donations you look much different than being what I would call an investment, so yes.

Donation types are the ones you see with a sign asking for money. When people think of the stereotype of the homeless. Unwashed and wasted they are often only halfway in reality while the world spins. They do nothing, they complain, they do everything just to get by but nothing to succeed. Survival on the day to day is point one and making their own life easier. People do this when they have lost all hope and it is only when they hit rock bottom. Sometimes people will give them food and money as they sit on the sidewalk while people walk by. What gets me to be so anti-begging is that while I was in college some people would often get their rattiest clothes, beg for change, and use it at the bar while actual people who needed the help looked more invisible then ever.

Investment types are the own trying to peddle artwork, trying to sell something or maybe a service they are good at. They may not even be homeless but as there are while being homeless. In life there re donation types and investment types. What separates the two is numerous but one of the biggest is the unabashed effort they are putting in to turning their life around into becoming producing members of society or better producing members of society. Some may have jobs, some may even look homeless, some have side hustles, and plans to rise from their current post. When people like this continue to fight and learn under the weight of such pressure. It may seem harsh to say but more important then having hope is to what extent you will to defend it.

Now, something that should be stated is how everyone will have bad days. The most hopeful will turn blue for a good point. People may have to wonder how to get through such moments because all it takes is one truly bad day for everything in normal life to go off the rails.

One thing about a good portion of the the homeless is the clear failure of the ssi disability system, as I have gone over more in depth in another article here when I dissect the homeless population here.

Waiting for years so the system can try to shake you is a sad state of affairs. Disabilities cannot be hidden too well if they are physical so what is there may be easier to just take at face value.

Link – Who are the Homeless and Why SSDI is Important

Getting that money easier would allow more resources to successfully build their lives. That is enough of that if you want more on that specifically click the link above.

Let me explain a moment I had, I wish I had a twenty because I would have bought something.

One person had a real 4-d chess move and instead of standing on the small sliver of ground getting on the highway. Instead of a sign or begging like many others of the day he was creating beautiful pictures with either markers or paint pens and created some really awe inspiring work. If I can get a piece I will put it up here. This was a guy whose work could have been in any of the art shows in the city proper and looking like he had seen more worksites then anything and had spent the time learning his craft. Almost ironic was less then a block or so away on the sliver before the off ramp was the steeple of the largest Presbyterian church in the city.

Make yourself a better person and people won’t see the charity, but the investment that you made to be that better person will be its own evidence. It sounds tough but do it and you will find yourself coming back in to the society like a house of fire ready to go from the bottom and start rocketing up. Stay strong and try to be happy.

bobross meme

Why I Was Out

So I couldn’t post yesterday but I think I have enough for two posts today to right the scales.

The reason I couldn’t do any typing yesterday was that I had to go to the hospital. Picture some big dude in a black t shirt and jeans walking away with a slight swagger going to the restroom only for them to not come back. The big man who was swaying lightly now is suddenly dizzy enough that without the walls to walk he cannot go anywhere.

Take all that and suddenly everything is spinning all you know is your feet are under you in some fashion. After the retching, the loss of feeling in your arms, you keep trying to push yourself through the day. Day after day just trying to get something started and for it to be struck down again was something that really got to me. I am usually the person that can do something and just over the past few months the only news received was something is wrong and we just do not know what.

Right now typing this everything feels like its spinning around me and if I go any faster then a snail’s pace then I will find myself in a wall or on the ground. Now for a while I have been trying to get some insurance to get checked out properly. Without proper use of one’s arms, without the ability to balance properly, without the ability to even stay standing makes work a touch difficult. Actually I was swaying so much that even working at getting to my desk was an adventure, and work thought I should go the hospital. Really though it killed me because even typing this the spinning has not stopped, but when I sit down it does get a little better. Still cannot move as fast as I had wish, but that does not mean we will stop. We just have to rebuild again, and I have to keep my head up to do it.

It really sucks because that was not the case about a year ago. All this started with a case of cellulitis in my legs. Since then it has been more and more problems that just seemed to knock me back when I take a step forward. Aggravating in any case over the year it took am moment to decide on a picture for this one. Being the wrestling fan and considering that there is a fight club wallpaper on my laptop right now the most sense for stuff I had found.redesign


Nightwish is coming to town…

So for those who do not know Portland has a bit of a music scene. If you did not know then it is completely alright. I didn’t know until my senior year in high school. So don’t feel bad if anyone was actually hurt. For the rest of the population there is a band I am a major fan of and I know it is silly to fawn over them in a blog post. But I hurt my shoulders sleeping in a position that resembled a knotted piece of spaghetti and personally I would love to do something that does not involve the y-axis with my arms. Nightwish is a band that covers a lot of different schools throughout the music but can be summarized in the term operatic synth euro metal.

They are very popular in Europe and could be considered a big thing when you go to places that have thousands upon thousands of people cheering for you to where they are going now in their tour through Portland where only about 1,000 people can fit it makes things interesting because their is not a bad seat in the house. The last time Nightwish had come through that I was able to go the singer had just been replaced from Tarja who has a wide range and an operatic voice versus Annette who has more energy and a style of singing that may make more people comfortable to listen to. Now, with this tour we get to hear the new singer Floor Jansen and I am psyched like a Pomeranian on a sugar rush.

If you think you may want to give these a listen I would suggest Wish I Had An Angel, Bye Bye Beautiful, Amaranth, and Over The Hills.

This band is maybe one of two I would actually move my entire life projects and all to go see. The other two include a band that does not tour.(Black Mages) So while I am psyched to go my question today is what band would you money willing go see even if that meant calling sick or otherwise sloughing off everything else that day to get ready for? Comment below and if you have ever met someone who has a crazy story about going to a concert then share this with them. i am sure they will like it.

10 things I want to do in 2015

Every one will have their own new year’s resolution in a couple days as will I. Now it isn’t time for the life changing for the better, but just things I want to do if i ever get the chance. So with that here are ten things I want to do provided I get a chance to do it and they are in no particular order.

10. Interview A Porn Star
Some people may ask “why?” Well, it is a group of people who normally don’t get much word out in the general population which if anything this blog does have is a general audience. I think that an interview with someone in that profession about things out of it can really show some of the good points these people have. Often times porn stars do not get much more credit then a prostitute. I think that it can be a positive view on the industry showing these people are just that, people and would probably be a nice conversation over all.

9. Create A Full Five Course Meal Using Tea
I always wanted to use different teas in every dish balancing the positives of such things. I think it could be a really good experience for everyone who gets to try it. If I can make it like a full feast for many people eating it would be awesome.

8. Voice Act As An Awesome Old Man
Because it. would. be. GLORIOUS!!

7. Get Paid For Doing Nothing
Don’t We All.

6. Tour Jameson Whiskey
For those who do not know when I partake in adult beverages Jameson is my drink of choice. I have been interested in distilling spirits for a while and to see how they do some of their things would be amazing.

5. Make A Free Card Game
When I was growing up there was a time where I could not buy a lot of cards so I had to trade for whatever I got. If I have enough time I will do something and have it free to play so it will be about the strategy and the fun and not the trade value fluctuations and constantly changing game market.

4. Own A Unique Chef Jacket
Crooked Brook has plenty of options and I always at least one at top two that was just what I wanted in a chef jacket which will most likely not be fashionable but oh boy I will love it like it was a plushy animal crafted from childhood dreams.

3. Drive A Flying Car
It will be 2015 and there are no flying cars. I don’t know how older readers feel about this, but I feel cheated.

2. Attend More Conventions
There are so many things I want to do that if possible that going to conventions would be a fun experience. It would also be a great places to network on the side.

1. Take A Trip Out Of The Country
I always wanted to see different countries. The culinary history of the Chinese, French and Japanese alone would be worth what would be added to my arsenal. On top of history and all the things you can see and do it would be great.

Well, these are like extra credit if I can get them done then great. If not then oh well.