Last Post of the Year

2021 is coming to an end, and like many times in the year, my jaw is quivering because of a spasm. Still, this year has a lot of highs and lows, and it seems more stuff is rolling, and we are now left here with an idea of what we had to go through in the last year and hopes for the future.

This will be the last message for me for the year, and I will write again for the blog in 2022, and hopefully, there will be much more stuff to go over. It will be difficult for some when we get into the new year, but I do hope that you will make as much progress and even more than me. Do the things you want to do and go for something you never thought possible.

My health will continue to be bad, and while that may take me out of action for a couple of days, it seems that if I can just keep going, there is something more. Some people over the year have claimed me to be one of the strongest they know, and honestly, I do not feel like it. Maybe, that is something that I can shake off in the next twelve months. Do enough that I can look in the mirror and chase off the shadows.

As an end-of-the-year post, let me tell you this.

I have been deemed depressed, or however, the tag works. It is just me against the darkness behind my eyes, and sometimes it gets hard to keep moving. If I keep moving, though, there is something of looking for something, doing more and more, breaking down doors, and going up floors, they will never dispel from the core. Still, maybe for a moment of glory in the next chapter of my story, the pieces I find can make me feel whole again.

Between all the issues in the world and my own problems, there is always a chance that I will never be content with what I have done. That is something I have already made my peace with. However, sometimes some people are never happy with everything, and if I keep my eyes on the next thing, then maybe I can get enough done to make progress. A constant need to test and grow can be bad in some cases, but at least I have enough challenges in front of me that I won’t go without something to do for a while.

Alright, that was about as much super personal stuff we got on this one. I will see you all next time, folks. Hopefully, your new year goes well and like all the other times.

Stay Strong.

Rage Against The Scene

You may notice that this, being homeless is all very infuriating. No one gives you a chance, and seeing my family and hearing how they would boast about taking bets when I would give up my dreams of a better future and come back groveling, well let’s say there had been moments where by a slim margin I didn’t practice a swan dive from a parking garage.

It sucks that people say ‘because your white, your male, your late twenties to early thirties’ and think there are much more deserving. However, one thing through all of that I found is that making it out shown me a lot of people just want to be left alone and survive. I wanted to thrive. I wanted to make the world better. I wanted to do enough that my statue stood somewhere and people looked at it as a simple sign of what being a stubborn man with a goal can be. Others are going through this or painful things like this, one may be reading this, and let me put it simply, there is a way out, it is hard, it is painful, you will have moments of doubt, keep moving. Do not let others give it to you, but you go and take it because you could be on the outside looking back on what you survived.

This is somewhat long but this is the point, being handicapped, it sucks, but it is up to you to find ways use it and get something positive out of it. I wake up and realize I may die today. Death will have to work for it and until that moment I’m going for it all the anger the pure rage capped off by that time where I was no more then trash by so many, I use that. Not towards people, they didn’t know, but to the idea, the simple thought process that was so cold and cruel to me and so over bearing to others.

Coming where I come from people will say that anger is unhealthy. It all depends on how you use it and if you are in control of it, or is it in control of you. I am the angriest person anyone will ever meet, but if you met me in person, you wouldn’t think so.

If you have anger issues, and I have had many before I got it under control during the time on the bench than let me teach you something that was very valuable. Do not be mad at people, people are malleable, they learn, they do try, but that does not meat you can not be mad at an idea. Be furious at the idea of you remaining homeless or getting homeless, be furious and make yourself the promise that when you get out it will never happen again. No matter if your family tries to take you back, or others try to demean you, or life just seems to tough to continue, you can do it and you can take the anger and talk to people but you can get downright dirty breaking down ideas to dust.

Also, I am going to do something I have had to learn to do a little better since the nights on the bench, and that is ask for help. I hope you are all enjoying me getting into this again, but if you noticed I do not have my Twitter, I will not be on Twitter due to it is a complete madhouse and I have enough chaos in my life to invite more and make myself sicker about it. Instagram will be more about overall projects

There is a lot that needs to be said and I think it is time for me to start making some waves and working with more people to do it. If anyone has any suggestions then I would love to talk shop.DSC_0024Here is a picture for those who need it look at be calmer.

Negative To Positive

So it may have been a risk with yesterday’s content, but I use it to bring up something. From good old Webster in this case

Simple Definition of normal

  • : usual or ordinary : not strange
  • : mentally and physically healthy

2 a :  according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle b :  conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern

  • 3 :  occurring naturally <normal immunity>
  • 4 a :  of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development b :  free from mental disorder :

My question is since it seems people have this incessant need to be normal, and to stick together at times on something because of the sake of normalcy. Before going any further I do not have any psychology background except getting my own mind to run semi smoothly. Normal for me though is one of those things that really when you think about it does not have a whole lot of usage in conversations nowadays.

Let me explain, for example from the pieces that have been gathered about the term what stands out to you because for me 2a and 4a seem to be at odds at least when I think about it like this. First of all no one has the pristine bill of mental health. There is small things and large things that are accounted for enough that no one is perfectly normal.

According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry the odds of preschoolers and school age children showing it is three to five percent. Here is the page if you want to give it a read.

Mind you this is not taking in to accounts environmental risk factors, genetic information, or personal context in relation to experiences. These things can definitely add to it and if you want read in more detail then below is an excerpt from a book called Reducing Risks for Mental Disorders: Frontiers for Preventative Intervention Research. The excerpt is called Risk and Protective Factors for the Onset of Mental Disorders.

It is an older source being written in 1994, but it brings up some fair points that not being so up to date on such research got me to think on these things. Now without going to a fancy seminar in my own right there is not a whole lot of work on exactly on average how common these things are with various numbers being thrown around. The Mental health association of Forsyth County claims that more then 60 million Americans may suffer from a mental illness in any given year. Putting that in perspective the last estimate from the United Nations puts us at 324 million while the census website back that number.

That means just taking those two numbers in to account that means we are looking just about One in every five and that makes it a little more sobering because some of those people will need therapy and should go out to get out while others think that nothing is wrong and that they can be productive, creative, and safe members of society using the differences in how there mind is wired to some benefit that may be harder for those without certain conditions. Try to find what works for you, if you need help go find it, and if you don’t need help be the best person that you can. That’s really what all this boils down to. Do not worry about being normal, and instead worry about what you can do to really make yourself the best you possible. That will take time. You will have to learn more about yourself.

I hope you all become the best you can be.

When your head is wired a bit differently

So normally my posts are fairly positive or pokes fun at something. This time I am going to be a bit serious for a moment, no not really as I will poke fun at myself but for those who do not know me let’s just say I can be a bit eclectic. Bit of an understatement can be made on that as you see I have more things going then the US Government.

For many years I have been diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. Which I would agree with no that I have figured out to make it work. My high moods are short blips of having enough positive energy I could get Richard Simmons to tell me to calm down and down turns so dark that goths would need a mining helmet to talk to me for more then a dozen minutes. The down turns are normally twice to three times as long as the upturns and every so often I get a nice case of social anxiety or paranoia flashes. Which means if someone talks to me for one hour every week I will go from how I normally am to a bit of a dysfunction in skin turning in to something that fears the light and just wants to sit in the shadows hissing and snapping at people until they pass. A werewolf basically.

After the hour passes I can usually get myself under control at least in the realm of wherever my personality is at the time.

The thing is when your head works a bit differently the first thing people will give you is some kind of pills. I do not like that because I do not like having another item I need to pay for with more side effects then a mystery cocktail made of bleach and drain cleaner. So what I do is try to deal with it. My moods come with their own pluses and minuses and I try to work my style so I can get the most out of myself. If happy and chipper then I can move faster and remember things longer without writing it down. When I am more morose I tend to be more intellectually active to balance out the speed I lose. Often my technique of doing something simple will differ between the two moods which makes things interesting in the kitchen and you try both side by side.

Finding those positives and negatives and working with them has been one of the reasons I can do so much at a level I am proud of learning at or doing at. Having something different from other people is common actually, and as odd as the sentence sounded it really is odd because the one thing everyone has in common is the unique traits they have making everything in to a bit of a tcg called life. Do you go for someone with a high mana cost and seven effects or drop another land? Couldn’t tell you but what I do know is when your head is wired a bit differently the next person that tries to counter your next spell