Part of me is scared. I hit my head hard enough that I had a nice little ride to the emergency room. My balance seems like it is getting worse, but I cannot let this whole thing turn me into a hermit while there is so much to do, and there are still so many questions. Why did I gain 120 lbs in a week and not go up a size. Why is my balance and my back and shoulders shot to hell? Why do my limbs go numb for hours at a time making it harder to use them?

I have had to retrain my body to do things. I cannot cook like I want to without risking cuts or burns. If it wasn’t for the callouses my hands would look like charcoal by now, and all this bothers me because I felt I was so good at things. Despite how hard I pushed it was only looking back that the progress was seen. I hated how slow it went, but on the rare glances back I would have that monet of fleeting happiness before the next challenge lined up.

Some people said I was emotionally running away. I think it was more running to something. I always felt like my time had passed without me knowing, and since then I have felt like I have been in a constant battle against time. Not in the sake of life and death, but just getting that little bit more experience before moving to the next part of life that we all must face leaving this world to whatever is next. I guess it wouldn’t be a fight against the clock, but against the thought of total failure then now that I’m trying to put the thoughts to keyboard.

Rushing from one goal to another like I’m an old warrior looking fora fight, this way will not do me well to have it continue. That is where the intrigue comes in because I evolve to suit my conditions fairly well and I think it will get to the point soon because I am not just going to roll over and give it up. When I was 320 I could hit hard enough to break heavy bags enough to almost be banned from a gym after the third fix even off my bad leg I could stil do leg presses for reps at 600 which is not my original weight at about 900, but after a few years without trying to keep up with it you will lose some ability without bringing it back up.

I am intrigued to see where this wil leave me because maybe if I can get the balance things sorta settled maybe speed and endurance should be my next targets physically. After you train long enough in one thing it seems to stick better, and even now if I had to I could throw my weight around still it just cant happen so much since my balance has been shot so has my endurance or stamina. Still it may just be time to redesign myself with this new issues in mind, rebuild myself to the best of my ability before reclaiming what I think should be mine so to speak.