Panic Attacks and Amazons

People have bad days, sometimes they have days where you wonder why you got to a certain point and how they can do so without having at least a big migraine or you have a panic attack. Everything gets to the point where you just want to survive while doing something. This past week was sort of that to me. Roommate was spiraling, people did not want to do their job because they never had to, other people were getting pushed, and no one seems to be reading the rules and laws to which a modicum of civilized culture is maintained.

Overall not a fun time. Sometimes you need to get through the challenging moments. Now, some may be surprised to know I do get panic attacks. It happens when I feel things are slipping past me and are essential to me, like when I miss a point on a quiz or a test. I get into this feedback loop of my own self-depreciation, just going over how that point was the most important.

Now, one can pass a class when you miss one point. It is a rarity when that is not the case. Still, we need to remember when you are in a panic attack that, you are in a place where survival instinct is in one area, and your normal activities are in another. You are held between the two, where things feel both fast and slow to the point where you feel out of place, even if you are sitting down. The thing is that no matter what happens during your bad days, you just need to get by. You need to make it and finish whatever you are. Afterward, you are just sitting in a funk of hatred and wondering where you failed and how you go on but what happens when things are not going as you need them to go.

I am so happy for those who never have it because a panic attack is a royal kick to the head. Not fun to the degree that I would rather wrestle an amazon practicing leg scissors than do it again. It is a great pain, and I think suits did a great job showing it.

Particularly the last couple of minutes, but sometimes you just have to get through the bad times because, with enough practice and enough work, the good times will outnumber the bad.

Hope you have a good time, and stay strong.

Rage Against The Scene

You may notice that this, being homeless is all very infuriating. No one gives you a chance, and seeing my family and hearing how they would boast about taking bets when I would give up my dreams of a better future and come back groveling, well let’s say there had been moments where by a slim margin I didn’t practice a swan dive from a parking garage.

It sucks that people say ‘because your white, your male, your late twenties to early thirties’ and think there are much more deserving. However, one thing through all of that I found is that making it out shown me a lot of people just want to be left alone and survive. I wanted to thrive. I wanted to make the world better. I wanted to do enough that my statue stood somewhere and people looked at it as a simple sign of what being a stubborn man with a goal can be. Others are going through this or painful things like this, one may be reading this, and let me put it simply, there is a way out, it is hard, it is painful, you will have moments of doubt, keep moving. Do not let others give it to you, but you go and take it because you could be on the outside looking back on what you survived.

This is somewhat long but this is the point, being handicapped, it sucks, but it is up to you to find ways use it and get something positive out of it. I wake up and realize I may die today. Death will have to work for it and until that moment I’m going for it all the anger the pure rage capped off by that time where I was no more then trash by so many, I use that. Not towards people, they didn’t know, but to the idea, the simple thought process that was so cold and cruel to me and so over bearing to others.

Coming where I come from people will say that anger is unhealthy. It all depends on how you use it and if you are in control of it, or is it in control of you. I am the angriest person anyone will ever meet, but if you met me in person, you wouldn’t think so.

If you have anger issues, and I have had many before I got it under control during the time on the bench than let me teach you something that was very valuable. Do not be mad at people, people are malleable, they learn, they do try, but that does not meat you can not be mad at an idea. Be furious at the idea of you remaining homeless or getting homeless, be furious and make yourself the promise that when you get out it will never happen again. No matter if your family tries to take you back, or others try to demean you, or life just seems to tough to continue, you can do it and you can take the anger and talk to people but you can get downright dirty breaking down ideas to dust.

Also, I am going to do something I have had to learn to do a little better since the nights on the bench, and that is ask for help. I hope you are all enjoying me getting into this again, but if you noticed I do not have my Twitter, I will not be on Twitter due to it is a complete madhouse and I have enough chaos in my life to invite more and make myself sicker about it. Instagram will be more about overall projects

There is a lot that needs to be said and I think it is time for me to start making some waves and working with more people to do it. If anyone has any suggestions then I would love to talk shop.DSC_0024Here is a picture for those who need it look at be calmer.