mental health

All In

This will be one of two posts on this subject, I will be finishing up my paperwork for the district 4 City Council position election this week and that will mean a couple things. The only other post that will talk about the election specifically or my efforts in it is going to be the reveal of my campaign page and after that this will just be my thoughts and my blog. It may deal with some topics like before but it will not talk about the campaign or my efforts on it.

Now, there are a lot of political questions. I am not going to answer them. What I will answer is something that people may ask who know me, and those who may have never heard of me be wondering.

Why do something like this?

Over the years it took me to learn how I work in the world and it is something where I can be loud but I am more of a get your work done and look towards the next goal. This is something that I will be putting myself in the spotlight to some degree due to the position involved. Honestly, it’s a big move for someone who six years ago was just getting off the street trying to make by with everything they got.

Six years have taken me from the state capitol to the nation’s capitol and from the federal court in Portland to the federal reserve and the bipartisan policy center. I have written books, and I have gotten in better shape despite still being built like Thwomp from Super Mario. We need people to listen and work on getting things done, and this week part of my work was using the time my building had lost its power to see the issues that someone disabled may have if they had to get out of a building quickly.

I banged my shins up hard doing that.

Why do something like this?

There is a way I do it, that makes me the best choice, in my very skewed opinion, and even more so I made a promise once and this may be how I intend to keep it. Also, you can tell I am nervous when I forget to schedule the posts and leave it just waiting for me to hit publish.

 [argle bargle]

If this is the worst mistake, forgetting to hit publish on a blog post during the start of a campaign then I think we can be happy with that.

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The Path We Traveled

I am going to be a little real. Sometimes doing so much it gets people wondering in day-to-day life asking about how I can do so much.

Economic competitions, leadership camps, writing books, repairing, analyzing data files and that’s just over the past two weeks. Not including the work when it comes to my classes and volunteer work. Not including projects I may not talk about as much, and while I am happy to do it, because I think it should be done and no one else is getting to it.

I sometimes give myself a rest. Call it pulling the armor off. Just relax and breath to see the lay of the land of where we had gotten.

Six years ago, I was on the streets. Before that I was using this for goofy t-shirt design and just being a loud voice on the internet that seemed to be full of them. Being goofy I will never say no to on its own. The first posts of this blog go back to 2013, and it has been an odd but entertaining cross section in my life. Definitely was learning involved in the time frame.

It was strange because I am still that angry person but back then I was the person that knew nothing but to rage because he had not been taught a thing else. Family was brutal and abusive, friends were few and unable to help, and it just felt like the world was against you, and it was true because it was. Since then, I have gotten to university, flown to the nations capital, worked with policy centers and presented to the federal reserve. I have written books, and done more than a hundred different recipes for different projects and over the time I had to learn how to be social in a way I was never used to.

Kevin Nash, who is sneaky smart had a line in a promo that I think fits.

“A funny thing happened on the way to getting here, as I got older, I got wiser.”

Anytime I can work a wrestling quote that makes sense I will. There is a difference but who I am then and who I am now have changed to some degree, I have become cagier and I have been the one to make more positive out of the negative.  I am still the angry person that wants to make things better and cannot stand stupidity without reason. Just sometimes it is important to take your helmet off and look back at the path once traveled

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Learning Something New at All

Learning something new is hard, I think that is something that we all understand to some degree. I think what we forget is you can learn more the none major thing.

I have written on her of people changing drastically their careers. Porn stars who became therapists and psychologists. Instagram models who became biologists. Football players who became farmers. There is a love of life and wish of growth that I really like seeing and sometimes those journeys are not the easiest.

Kim Kardashian, recently talked about not passing the bar, the noted exam for lawyers, and its rough. Sometimes when you try to make a change it is very difficult, it is something where you will fail a few times. I am not writing this as a laugh track or some insult even though I have had issues with how the Kardashian have done business in the past. If you cannot cheer for those you disagree with or dislike to become better versions of themselves, you are not human.

Now, I am so small a blog, Kim Kardashian and that level of fame will be magnetically opposed to these posts. To her though, and everyone else who are having difficulties in their transitions career wise, keep going. It will be tough, but if it ever gets really bad, you have one loud jackass in the Pacific North West cheering you on to be better because if we do not get better than the world is much darker than any of us can dream.

Just because you are older or you have done things before you can still pivot into something new and learning is something you do every day if you love life and if you try to make the most of it then keep trying and I hope if you read this, you keep going, because if you try hard enough eventually you will make it.

Good Luck

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Fed Reserve Competition Post Mortem

I did not go on to the next round in my federal reserve competition. I was a one-person team, I hope I represented well and it spoke more to the issues of trusting in sources of financial power like the federal reserve and what will happen.  I thought it was interesting, I thought it would also help versus the average speech of possibly talking the same points as a paid group and claiming .25 will be a sizable change in the federal rate.

My point was at each level from us, to cities, states, federal, and even international the markets will react differently but no matter how they may take the moves in what directions because the finance game is essentially many layers of games on the same board. There was going to be a problem that if you are not trusted the moves made will not be held to the same value because trust is not as much in the reserve and the moves and people of it. My move was to take a year get the reserve to make itself a source of information for people about the reserve and finances and cut out a lot of the problems with people hearing about the reserve second or third hand.

It was a subject I thought was a good one, I did my best with it. I was ill when I had to speak, I was alone, but I also did it.  How many people can say that? It was a feast or famine presentation and it didn’t pay out.  I still would do it on that subject, I would still try to do a better presentation. Strategic Temporal Credibility in a Multi Level Reflexive Market. Could have workshopped the title more except when I had it that it felt like the best one.

Doing it on video and ill trying to speak through a rough throat the odds were long. I did something not many in my school have done and all I can hope that maybe they enjoyed something from it, that maybe they learned something. One can hope every time they enter a competition if they do well, but this time I was not enough to move to the next round.

Until the next one.

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End of The Dream, Chaotic Good

300 hours volunteered in a semester and a year. Since I started at uni my volunteer hours were being counted and now I have near doubled my last year of school between may 14th to now.

Always something to be done and always something to be better at.

So let me do something else.

When would it ever be enough?

After I achieve my goal of making the city better what would I want?

This made me think about it.

I would be happy maybe with someone that cares for all my eccentricities who I am and not what I bring to the table. To be able to do good for my city and watch as the sun rises on a new apex of industry, and just enjoy a life of fights and bloodshed and violence made to something positive and just enjoy it.

Do things I never did before. I never went to Japan, homeland of my aunt and her family. I never flew private, I don’t know what people do in such jets but it sounds nice. Go to Africa and see how people do film there and make stories. Learn to cook in a dozen cuisines, and actually dress nicely. I wear clothes out and having a proper wardrobe would be nice. Invest in farms.

Oh, the one thing I would do with money and power and time, is be an unbreakable immovable trickster. Hear me out, you know the kind of people who never had someone get in their way, then ones with money with no sense? Having someone come from what I did turn their ideas I disagree with to mulch is going to be infinitely entertaining.

A group of people want less farms and push farms needing expensive sets of equipment, I am going to equip every one of them in the state. If someone tries to get someone off land by being sneaky I am going to give my lawyers a bunch of caffeine and tell them the budget is open to six or seven digits plus and I want blood.

You know the guy who in some movies or shows just helps the little guy out not just because it’s a good idea but also because the people doing the dumb crap have more dollars than brain cells? That would be me. Not just because it is the right thing to do, but because I am going to be an evil little troll doing it.

I mean with enough companies you got to have loss leaders to balance your taxes. How many places can I burn money.

Go to a hospital department, ask what do you need and tell a doctor and a nurse to stuff a shopping cart like supermarket sweep. Do I know if the new cat scan machine can be delivered, no, but we will figure that out in the long run. When you have enough money and power being the asshole on the good guys team is a perfect place.

Work treatment shit. Build a factory set to a thirty-two-hour work week, pay them for forty set pay for part time to be similar to account for an addition 8-hour shift for free and just do it better. Would a lot of rich people think I am Loki reborn?

Because pissing off people while you do good things is the sort of things that would give me life. Seriously. I get to that point it may not be a long ride but it will be a kick.

Just a thought.

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Magic and Life Without It

Someone got mad once because I explained cooking as the last school of magic. For this we are going to pull the merriam webster definition.

“The use of means (such as charms or spells) believed to have supernatural power over natural forces.”

Now there is nothing more natural then grown food, whether animal or vegetable it is the natural force of the planet we can use to keep ourselves going.

For the sake of clarity supernatural is defined as “departing from what is usual or normal especially so as to appear to transcend the laws of nature”

Now this is a pork roulade by the freshman cook @ https://www.thefreshmancook.com/pork-roulade for those who are wondering, go check them out.

Can anyone tell me how this is a natural meal?

It is not. Nature does not come like this, we work with the materials to make our emotions, our senses, and our ideas come to life in away that is wholly without speaking but still a language all of its own. There are dishes that do something with us that scientifically we cannot explain. When your lover makes your favorite cookie after a long day of work. When your mother made you a dish after you cried from not making a sports team. The argument could be made that memory and all of that is neuroscience but even they do not understand to what degree it is or it isn’t.

Magic is something that can be holy or unholy, self-reflective or a pulse to the people around you, it can be something built out of the worst of emotions and be great, and be made from joy and be horrible for others. All it is, is a crack in the door that you do not understand the world as completely as you think. That’s it.

It took me years to believe in magic again after a lot of painful times because when you go through a lot of pain sometimes magic is the farthest thing you can believe in. It doesn’t feel like it can help you, like it can heft your weight of the mud of the situation or bandage wounds that have come from working.

Magic allows you to think you may be able, if the cards fall your way and the wind blows just right you can do things that maybe you wouldn’t be able to do as well before. Walking back to my apartment it dawned upon me that for all the people willing to shout down anyone doing well not one of them could see themselves doing the same successes they saw in others. It made me wonder why, and why they couldn’t just believe a little bit. Anywho.

Just a Thought.

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Value of Talking with Pigeons

You ever wonder what you shouldn’t say online? It’s something I deal with because, well, no one generally wants to hear me anyway and I don’t like wasting time. I don’t get how people can post every day.

Then I took a deeper thought as too why, and its still a problem for me to grasp. You see I can technically put anything on this blog, and sometimes if I do something interesting or I thought would be worthwhile to someone to anyone I do.

When I don’t it feels just off, like it’s taking space, and it still has to be drilled in my head that I don’t decide what is useful I can only put up stuff and hopefully someone does get some value out of it.  When you are raised to not waste time of others sometimes in an insulting way, it’s hard to unlearn that, and I will have to struggle about that as I grow.

Generally, people have not been interested in what interests me, the numbers, the styles, the just details of somethings. Here, though I need to remember that is not my decision, its yours. Just odd thoughts in something where it makes someone wonder how much they really knew about the world.

Granted I keep trying to learn but it seems there also has to be the moments the small little funny things that just keep you going. One of my personal favorites is trying to explain my thoughts with pigeons and name them after French chefs, or doing the same with ducks and Italian chefs.

You will look like a madman doing it, but for some reason they always stay long enough for me to explain a thought so long as they aren’t being in danger. The good thing is if it makes sense after talking to a bird you can most likely do it talking to a person.

Just a thought

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Heavy Duty Volunteer

In my volunteer work, I have been keeping track for the university because you get an award if you do so many hours in a twelve-month period. Last year I got 148 hours getting me to the second highest level and 150 is the minimum to get into the highest level. The count is from May 14 to May 14 every year and so far, this year after tabbing it all up I was at around 30 hours last year

I am at 72 hours this year, and the trip is volunteer service (anything I don’t collect an hourly wage on is something that can be counted) and that is including camps and trainings as well. This includes all my meetings and generally I do not claim any reading or studying resources I could almost double that if I did.

Getting that award would be nice because as a disabled person it is something that feeds the chip on my shoulder because every so often people think disabled means you can’t do something. I try to look at it that I will need to do it a different way, and it is a different way because my goodness my legs feel like iron most days and I will say my thighs are so big I can actually crush a melon pretty easily. My size allows me to do that pretty easily, but someone who can walk miles with a frame like mine is something that usually scares some people.

Another thing is the jokes, lots of jokes with me classifying as a heavy armor unit if you give me a slingshot. I have gotten used to them and some of the better ones still make me chuckle about it.

At my size I am the volunteer version of Roadblock(seen above), although I think he looks better then I do. Cannot complain for what I have though, I am making what I can work, I just need to make sure I rest well.

So now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Stay Strong

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Scary Decisions To Make

Fear is an odd thing, it comes when you never expect it and when you do expect it it never goes the way you think. When you get close to a big goal where it is within your reach.

Life has not been the kindest to me, but there was one memory, her memory that wanted Portland to be a better place. That goal has been the reason for me to get up every day, the reason to patch myself up, to learn and go to college the way I have instead just focusing on me. Now I sit on the precipice of a decision that will win or lose change my life, and for the first time in years I was scared.

This reason to go on, this goal, could be accomplished if I win one more time. I will have the road to make this city better and I think I can do it. Then a hand feels like its squeezing your heart and panic starts to rise, and you hear your own breathing a little too well, and suddenly you feel like you don’t know if you are hunt or hunted, target or tracker.

Honestly, it feels strange. When you spend so much time with a reason being why you push yourself and suddenly you have a chance, a moment where you can step forward and try to get it, knowing if you win that you have done it, or you may lose. Finality brings the fear, a chance of maybe you aren’t that good, you can or can’t. When the reason you made it through hard times was for a mission and you can finish it something happens with who you are.

A decision here one way or another will change my life.  I may lose. I may be made a fool. I may be the lowest scoring person to ever try.

However, I have to try.

More Coming.

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Personal Update (Not Falling in a Black Hole)

You know I have an absolutely atrocious sleep schedule, I do not think I have slept 8 hours straight since the Clinton administration. I have talked over problems of the city and what could be fixed in it this time I just want to talk.

In the next sixty days I will be in three separate competitions, now I won’t go in depth for what I am doing but being in three competitions, alone, is kind of a problem to me because for two of them I should be on teams. Now, is that going to stop me? No. I tried to get teams and no one wanted to try it thinking there were other things to do, they didn’t feel it aligned with their majors or just thought it was not a good idea.

Now, for some that could be the end of it but this is something that may help me later and so I am going to step in with schools with teams incredibly more qualified and like I normally do take my best shot at it and who knows. Sometimes dark horses run sometimes.

Outside of this there is a lot going on and sometimes everything just feels like it is getting away from me in a form or another. Sometimes I do not even know why I try to do so much, but I have learned the level generally I do this with and how the next couple months I am pushing myself past that point for the sake of stretching my capabilities.

My health has gotten better in places, now we are doing enough I am losing weight slowly but naturally and my muscle is more coming in. Blood pressure is low at times but I have something now to help me with that, and something in case it goes too far. It sounds weird for those who see me to think I have low blood pressure, but it is true.

A joke I heard from a friend was that I had to be part shark (like Great White or Hammerhead as those sharks are the kind that need to if memory serves.) because otherwise I would just die, and the need to try and do definitely feels like that. Generally, I try to do one piece of advice so y’all can learn from my stupidity.

Just take care of your neck, I injured mine many times and I pay for it so take care of yourself. Don’t want to take your health from the present and pay for it in the future.

I did make a few things for different foods spices, but I need some more products that people want so I am working on that, in the free moments.

Writing novels have been fun, I may try to get published in the old-fashioned way and see what comes of it. Who knows, I don’t.

Until next time

Stay Sharky

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