As many of the writings have shown here, I ask a lot of questions, sometimes I get it wrong, sometimes right, but I do try. One thing I absolutely hate is zealotry for the sake of one’s side despite everything. That is different from believing it and realizing there are faults. In fact, it could be just as much as the difference between meaningful conversation and yelling at a wall.
Also, as much as I try to push myself to do better things. The past few days have been difficult because there have been many moments where I feel out of place.
It finally capped off with a conversation on Twitter about politics. While they were very passionate and we had issues with the other’s points, something was touched upon that made me think.
I have lived and around the Portland area for the better part of three decades. Politically it is not a flattering cross-section for any group. Those who backed the mayor failed in many metrics, including gun safety, homelessness, quality of life. They couldn’t stop the protests when they picked up and continued. This person was so adamant so passionate about their political beliefs being correct. While they were more open than most, they still were more emotionally wrapped in the issues.
Which made me think back to the concert. I have been so emotionally numb for fear that I don’t want something I may do or say to be used against me, especially against my goals. This is led me to think about why I am so guarded, and it came to me.
In my life, I have had my family betray me, my loved friends killed, my name besmirched, harassed by police, used as a poker chip, tossed away from a family that hated me. I have been shot at dozens of times, lit on fire on three separate occasions, countless sprains, concussions, bruises, torn tendons, pulled muscles, spasms, fibromyalgia, and that is just off the top of my head.
After all that, you get a bit jaded. I have found that in going day by day, I never really allowed myself to emotionally relax.
It stings when you know you still have growing to do, especially when you feel you made progress. Still, a mile is made of many steps, and hopefully, by the time I reach my goals, I can be a good enough person, at least to make this mudball a little better as well.