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End of The Dream, Chaotic Good

300 hours volunteered in a semester and a year. Since I started at uni my volunteer hours were being counted and now I have near doubled my last year of school between may 14th to now.

Always something to be done and always something to be better at.

So let me do something else.

When would it ever be enough?

After I achieve my goal of making the city better what would I want?

This made me think about it.

I would be happy maybe with someone that cares for all my eccentricities who I am and not what I bring to the table. To be able to do good for my city and watch as the sun rises on a new apex of industry, and just enjoy a life of fights and bloodshed and violence made to something positive and just enjoy it.

Do things I never did before. I never went to Japan, homeland of my aunt and her family. I never flew private, I don’t know what people do in such jets but it sounds nice. Go to Africa and see how people do film there and make stories. Learn to cook in a dozen cuisines, and actually dress nicely. I wear clothes out and having a proper wardrobe would be nice. Invest in farms.

Oh, the one thing I would do with money and power and time, is be an unbreakable immovable trickster. Hear me out, you know the kind of people who never had someone get in their way, then ones with money with no sense? Having someone come from what I did turn their ideas I disagree with to mulch is going to be infinitely entertaining.

A group of people want less farms and push farms needing expensive sets of equipment, I am going to equip every one of them in the state. If someone tries to get someone off land by being sneaky I am going to give my lawyers a bunch of caffeine and tell them the budget is open to six or seven digits plus and I want blood.

You know the guy who in some movies or shows just helps the little guy out not just because it’s a good idea but also because the people doing the dumb crap have more dollars than brain cells? That would be me. Not just because it is the right thing to do, but because I am going to be an evil little troll doing it.

I mean with enough companies you got to have loss leaders to balance your taxes. How many places can I burn money.

Go to a hospital department, ask what do you need and tell a doctor and a nurse to stuff a shopping cart like supermarket sweep. Do I know if the new cat scan machine can be delivered, no, but we will figure that out in the long run. When you have enough money and power being the asshole on the good guys team is a perfect place.

Work treatment shit. Build a factory set to a thirty-two-hour work week, pay them for forty set pay for part time to be similar to account for an addition 8-hour shift for free and just do it better. Would a lot of rich people think I am Loki reborn?

Because pissing off people while you do good things is the sort of things that would give me life. Seriously. I get to that point it may not be a long ride but it will be a kick.

Just a thought.

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Magic and Life Without It

Someone got mad once because I explained cooking as the last school of magic. For this we are going to pull the merriam webster definition.

“The use of means (such as charms or spells) believed to have supernatural power over natural forces.”

Now there is nothing more natural then grown food, whether animal or vegetable it is the natural force of the planet we can use to keep ourselves going.

For the sake of clarity supernatural is defined as “departing from what is usual or normal especially so as to appear to transcend the laws of nature”

Now this is a pork roulade by the freshman cook @ https://www.thefreshmancook.com/pork-roulade for those who are wondering, go check them out.

Can anyone tell me how this is a natural meal?

It is not. Nature does not come like this, we work with the materials to make our emotions, our senses, and our ideas come to life in away that is wholly without speaking but still a language all of its own. There are dishes that do something with us that scientifically we cannot explain. When your lover makes your favorite cookie after a long day of work. When your mother made you a dish after you cried from not making a sports team. The argument could be made that memory and all of that is neuroscience but even they do not understand to what degree it is or it isn’t.

Magic is something that can be holy or unholy, self-reflective or a pulse to the people around you, it can be something built out of the worst of emotions and be great, and be made from joy and be horrible for others. All it is, is a crack in the door that you do not understand the world as completely as you think. That’s it.

It took me years to believe in magic again after a lot of painful times because when you go through a lot of pain sometimes magic is the farthest thing you can believe in. It doesn’t feel like it can help you, like it can heft your weight of the mud of the situation or bandage wounds that have come from working.

Magic allows you to think you may be able, if the cards fall your way and the wind blows just right you can do things that maybe you wouldn’t be able to do as well before. Walking back to my apartment it dawned upon me that for all the people willing to shout down anyone doing well not one of them could see themselves doing the same successes they saw in others. It made me wonder why, and why they couldn’t just believe a little bit. Anywho.

Just a Thought.

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Value of Talking with Pigeons

You ever wonder what you shouldn’t say online? It’s something I deal with because, well, no one generally wants to hear me anyway and I don’t like wasting time. I don’t get how people can post every day.

Then I took a deeper thought as too why, and its still a problem for me to grasp. You see I can technically put anything on this blog, and sometimes if I do something interesting or I thought would be worthwhile to someone to anyone I do.

When I don’t it feels just off, like it’s taking space, and it still has to be drilled in my head that I don’t decide what is useful I can only put up stuff and hopefully someone does get some value out of it.  When you are raised to not waste time of others sometimes in an insulting way, it’s hard to unlearn that, and I will have to struggle about that as I grow.

Generally, people have not been interested in what interests me, the numbers, the styles, the just details of somethings. Here, though I need to remember that is not my decision, its yours. Just odd thoughts in something where it makes someone wonder how much they really knew about the world.

Granted I keep trying to learn but it seems there also has to be the moments the small little funny things that just keep you going. One of my personal favorites is trying to explain my thoughts with pigeons and name them after French chefs, or doing the same with ducks and Italian chefs.

You will look like a madman doing it, but for some reason they always stay long enough for me to explain a thought so long as they aren’t being in danger. The good thing is if it makes sense after talking to a bird you can most likely do it talking to a person.

Just a thought

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Thoughts redux

I had an in depth thought on what comes after ai and just some musing, proceeded to copy it and when I pasted, I saw it did not in fact copy over and I deleted the post so now those thoughts are in the void where I hope something there enjoys it.

Midterms are coming, and if this is the biggest mistake I make on the midterms then I guess I did not do too bad.

I will try to get some writing done in November but nothing like my usual pace. I think 100k may be a good goal for month with everything going on during the month without burning myself out. There always is something to do but never enough time to do it in, so we have to do our best with what we have.

You know, I never got to dance many times, I was not the best but for what I did learn I wasn’t the worst at it believe it or not. I can stay off my cane long enough that I can do one or two rounds before giving my knees time to rest. Maybe I should adopt the stone cold and start walking with two knee braces and just get used to that first.

Just some thoughts in the night.

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Starting Over Six Year Later – Community Service

6 Years. That is the amount of time I have invested in this rebirth, coming from the streets and working my way step by step, and over the posts. Just over half a decade to change your life, and it has not been easy, but it has been moving in the right direction. Since starting Portland state my time volunteering has been tracked with a couple outliers due to me not understanding the system or not caring to in the first couple months. I didn’t think it would amount to much then. I started my journey coming back 6 years ago and here are all the committees I have or currently been on.

PCC

Educational Advisory committee 09/22-24 (student representative 2 terms)

            Academic Policies and Standards (2 terms)

            Curriculum Committee (2 Terms)

            Degrees and Certificates Committee (2 Terms)

            Membership committee (2 Terms)

            Student Development committee (2 Terms)

ASPCC Executive Committee (23-24) (1 Term)

            Finance subcommittee (22-23) (1 Term) (Chair)

PCC Live to Drive Committee (23-24) (1 Term)

Earth Day Committee (22-24) (2 Terms)

Sustainability Committee (24-25) (1 Term)

            ADEC (25-26) Current 1 term

            CACC (25-26) Current 1 term

Washington County

Metzger Park Local Improvement District Advisory Board (22-24) (1 Term)            

Multnomah County

Disability Services Advisory Council (24-Current) (1 Term)

Council for Economic Dignity (24- Current) (1 term)

Department of County Assets Cbac (24-25) Changes in calculation merged these two

Department of County Management Cbac (24-25) (1 Term each)

DCA/DCM CBAC (25-current)                              

Central CBAC (2025) (1 Term) Co-Chair

Goose Hollow Foothills League

Elections Subcommittee (2024) (1 Term)

Trimet

Committee for Accessible Transportation (23-Current) (1 term)

                 Lift subcommittee (23-Current) Co-chair (1 Term)

SAGE

Leaders Action Board (2024-Current) (1 Term)

CHNW

Goose Hollow Tenant Council (2024) (Facilitator/Chair) (1 Term)

PSU

Student Legal Service Action Board (2024-2025) (Chair) (1 Term)

Student Media Service Action Board (2025) Stepped down to try for Editor

Legislative Scholar (2024-25) (1 Term)

District 4 Coalition

Land Use and Transportation (2025 – Current) (1 Term)

State of Oregon

Oregon Dsac – Multnomah County DSAC Rep (2025 – current) (1 term)

Now granted there is some funny paperwork, the cbacs actually had not been merged so I am by the paperwork in for both of them separately and the merged version. County code. 10 different groups. 30 Committees and sub committees for 37 terms and chairing 5 times

All of this shows up save for the PCC is seen in my work volunteering where since the start of the school year last year (September 24) I am looking at about 290 volunteer hours on top of being a double bachelor student.

I have helped make decisions in the school, advocate for handling business ourselves, got programs started and kept some under budget. Allowed people opportunities because of good decision making and all of this has been in six very seemingly short years.

I have competed in finance competitions; I have made the thousand-pound club in weightlifting with bum knees. I have written books, that people have read, not many obviously, but some have, and they enjoyed it. Looking back sometimes it’s odd how far you see the path behind you stretch and realize things may be in range if you give yourself some credit.

Just a thought.

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Food for Thought and Delivered

I had a thought, there are a lot of travel food channels. Places where people go and try different food, but now with the age of rapid delivery a lot of these places can deliver their food to be cooked.

If I ever were to do a food series again, I think it would be something where I would go on line and find different websites to find food to be delivered that I would need to finish cooking and see what I get from it. Generally, it will be expensive so I can’t do that right now, but it would be nice to see what you get, and maybe a couple different ways to use the ingredients.

The reason I thought of this was Ben’s Half smoke, a chili dog in DC I did not get to try while I was over there. However, you can buy direct from them and it ships frozen. A lot of restaurants and places do that. I want to know how those things travel, how they taste and then

What can we do with the ingredients if we have a couple left overs. Do half smoke sausages make a good beer brat? Do they do well fried? Maybe a half smoke corn dog? Because for people like me where travel may not be in the cards maybe a meal coming to you is a good break from everything.

I would think there would be some interest ins someone with my work history in kitchens trying food frozen and shipped. There is a lot of negative idea about it but in today’s society with how anything can be delivered I think it is better then maybe we think?

Just a thought.

Oh and I did finish some of the number crunching. It does not look good, yes I do use the analyst skills I pick up in school. Some of that is later though.

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Portland data – Changes of Cost of living

Never challenge me to find numbers as a joke.

Not done yet but some of the things I have been working on

Not happy.

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Tired from DC

Welcome to the nightly ramblings.

I went to Washington DC over the weekend and I felt exhausted returning. Ten hours in a metal tube between going and returning. Now some will say how it was horrible, and if you saw it that way, I didn’t.

Now as much as I bang the drum on Portland and its ills there is something I would like to make clear. Just because I had a good time doesn’t mean there are not things to fix, there are many things to fix in any city and for those mad that newer people don’t see it is easy enough to explain. For me I came form Portland, I know what Portland looks like in good and in bad times, I have that data and those scenes already in my head. If I don’t have one or the other of good or bad I will just likely sign off it is doing fine.

The reason for that is that without knowing both you do not know if it is good or bad. Some people think Portland is great, one person explains it is nothing like Memphis. We are not in Memphis though for our conversation we are in Portland so grading needs to be the right standard.

Also, it angered me immensely that everyone was showing the Portland protests on loop. Washington DC was a place I enjoyed although I must say Portland is my home, and while it is nice to see how other cities work it is nice to go back and try to make something out of the problems that run rampant here.

Now this is more of a check in piece as trying to recover after 60 hours of stuff to do and 10 hours of flying has made me a very exhausted buffalo. I will say I walked for a couple hours and while I did have to pay for it the next day, and I didn’t go very fast it was still more then before so we can still keep moving up on that account.

More tomorrow

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Heavy Duty Volunteer

In my volunteer work, I have been keeping track for the university because you get an award if you do so many hours in a twelve-month period. Last year I got 148 hours getting me to the second highest level and 150 is the minimum to get into the highest level. The count is from May 14 to May 14 every year and so far, this year after tabbing it all up I was at around 30 hours last year

I am at 72 hours this year, and the trip is volunteer service (anything I don’t collect an hourly wage on is something that can be counted) and that is including camps and trainings as well. This includes all my meetings and generally I do not claim any reading or studying resources I could almost double that if I did.

Getting that award would be nice because as a disabled person it is something that feeds the chip on my shoulder because every so often people think disabled means you can’t do something. I try to look at it that I will need to do it a different way, and it is a different way because my goodness my legs feel like iron most days and I will say my thighs are so big I can actually crush a melon pretty easily. My size allows me to do that pretty easily, but someone who can walk miles with a frame like mine is something that usually scares some people.

Another thing is the jokes, lots of jokes with me classifying as a heavy armor unit if you give me a slingshot. I have gotten used to them and some of the better ones still make me chuckle about it.

At my size I am the volunteer version of Roadblock(seen above), although I think he looks better then I do. Cannot complain for what I have though, I am making what I can work, I just need to make sure I rest well.

So now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Stay Strong

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Scary Decisions To Make

Fear is an odd thing, it comes when you never expect it and when you do expect it it never goes the way you think. When you get close to a big goal where it is within your reach.

Life has not been the kindest to me, but there was one memory, her memory that wanted Portland to be a better place. That goal has been the reason for me to get up every day, the reason to patch myself up, to learn and go to college the way I have instead just focusing on me. Now I sit on the precipice of a decision that will win or lose change my life, and for the first time in years I was scared.

This reason to go on, this goal, could be accomplished if I win one more time. I will have the road to make this city better and I think I can do it. Then a hand feels like its squeezing your heart and panic starts to rise, and you hear your own breathing a little too well, and suddenly you feel like you don’t know if you are hunt or hunted, target or tracker.

Honestly, it feels strange. When you spend so much time with a reason being why you push yourself and suddenly you have a chance, a moment where you can step forward and try to get it, knowing if you win that you have done it, or you may lose. Finality brings the fear, a chance of maybe you aren’t that good, you can or can’t. When the reason you made it through hard times was for a mission and you can finish it something happens with who you are.

A decision here one way or another will change my life.  I may lose. I may be made a fool. I may be the lowest scoring person to ever try.

However, I have to try.

More Coming.

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