relationships

End of The Dream, Chaotic Good

300 hours volunteered in a semester and a year. Since I started at uni my volunteer hours were being counted and now I have near doubled my last year of school between may 14th to now.

Always something to be done and always something to be better at.

So let me do something else.

When would it ever be enough?

After I achieve my goal of making the city better what would I want?

This made me think about it.

I would be happy maybe with someone that cares for all my eccentricities who I am and not what I bring to the table. To be able to do good for my city and watch as the sun rises on a new apex of industry, and just enjoy a life of fights and bloodshed and violence made to something positive and just enjoy it.

Do things I never did before. I never went to Japan, homeland of my aunt and her family. I never flew private, I don’t know what people do in such jets but it sounds nice. Go to Africa and see how people do film there and make stories. Learn to cook in a dozen cuisines, and actually dress nicely. I wear clothes out and having a proper wardrobe would be nice. Invest in farms.

Oh, the one thing I would do with money and power and time, is be an unbreakable immovable trickster. Hear me out, you know the kind of people who never had someone get in their way, then ones with money with no sense? Having someone come from what I did turn their ideas I disagree with to mulch is going to be infinitely entertaining.

A group of people want less farms and push farms needing expensive sets of equipment, I am going to equip every one of them in the state. If someone tries to get someone off land by being sneaky I am going to give my lawyers a bunch of caffeine and tell them the budget is open to six or seven digits plus and I want blood.

You know the guy who in some movies or shows just helps the little guy out not just because it’s a good idea but also because the people doing the dumb crap have more dollars than brain cells? That would be me. Not just because it is the right thing to do, but because I am going to be an evil little troll doing it.

I mean with enough companies you got to have loss leaders to balance your taxes. How many places can I burn money.

Go to a hospital department, ask what do you need and tell a doctor and a nurse to stuff a shopping cart like supermarket sweep. Do I know if the new cat scan machine can be delivered, no, but we will figure that out in the long run. When you have enough money and power being the asshole on the good guys team is a perfect place.

Work treatment shit. Build a factory set to a thirty-two-hour work week, pay them for forty set pay for part time to be similar to account for an addition 8-hour shift for free and just do it better. Would a lot of rich people think I am Loki reborn?

Because pissing off people while you do good things is the sort of things that would give me life. Seriously. I get to that point it may not be a long ride but it will be a kick.

Just a thought.

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Value of Talking with Pigeons

You ever wonder what you shouldn’t say online? It’s something I deal with because, well, no one generally wants to hear me anyway and I don’t like wasting time. I don’t get how people can post every day.

Then I took a deeper thought as too why, and its still a problem for me to grasp. You see I can technically put anything on this blog, and sometimes if I do something interesting or I thought would be worthwhile to someone to anyone I do.

When I don’t it feels just off, like it’s taking space, and it still has to be drilled in my head that I don’t decide what is useful I can only put up stuff and hopefully someone does get some value out of it.  When you are raised to not waste time of others sometimes in an insulting way, it’s hard to unlearn that, and I will have to struggle about that as I grow.

Generally, people have not been interested in what interests me, the numbers, the styles, the just details of somethings. Here, though I need to remember that is not my decision, its yours. Just odd thoughts in something where it makes someone wonder how much they really knew about the world.

Granted I keep trying to learn but it seems there also has to be the moments the small little funny things that just keep you going. One of my personal favorites is trying to explain my thoughts with pigeons and name them after French chefs, or doing the same with ducks and Italian chefs.

You will look like a madman doing it, but for some reason they always stay long enough for me to explain a thought so long as they aren’t being in danger. The good thing is if it makes sense after talking to a bird you can most likely do it talking to a person.

Just a thought

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Scary Decisions To Make

Fear is an odd thing, it comes when you never expect it and when you do expect it it never goes the way you think. When you get close to a big goal where it is within your reach.

Life has not been the kindest to me, but there was one memory, her memory that wanted Portland to be a better place. That goal has been the reason for me to get up every day, the reason to patch myself up, to learn and go to college the way I have instead just focusing on me. Now I sit on the precipice of a decision that will win or lose change my life, and for the first time in years I was scared.

This reason to go on, this goal, could be accomplished if I win one more time. I will have the road to make this city better and I think I can do it. Then a hand feels like its squeezing your heart and panic starts to rise, and you hear your own breathing a little too well, and suddenly you feel like you don’t know if you are hunt or hunted, target or tracker.

Honestly, it feels strange. When you spend so much time with a reason being why you push yourself and suddenly you have a chance, a moment where you can step forward and try to get it, knowing if you win that you have done it, or you may lose. Finality brings the fear, a chance of maybe you aren’t that good, you can or can’t. When the reason you made it through hard times was for a mission and you can finish it something happens with who you are.

A decision here one way or another will change my life.  I may lose. I may be made a fool. I may be the lowest scoring person to ever try.

However, I have to try.

More Coming.

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