It has been a while. Hasn’t it? So a couple months ago there is this sick feeling filling my gut, something of unhappiness. Something where the most I did throughout my years added to nothing and looking at the edited books waiting to be released. I had still clung to it was something where it made me sick because there was this feeling that nothing would get done. I was not allowing myself to proceed to become better.
One of the things that made it through my thick skull was ‘if you do not move forward then you are moving back because time will push you, if you do not make an effort to stay on top of things’. and so we have to make efforts that sometimes means we have to do things where we have to swallow our pride. That was something new pride. I do talk a big game and I do work, but there is an effort to not be so prideful walking about because of how it could come off. Unfortunately there was a bit of a lesson that is taking some time to learn. Our world does not value humility, one has to be a monster of prideful sometimes so people understand that you are that damned good. For me over this time where I went radio silent there is and will always be a chip on my shoulder. Would more be done if my body had not short circuited? Would my body push farther, would it all be easier?
Even now the burning in my left leg has begun a feeling a fire that happens every summer and while some of the time has been spent getting in better shape it burns with a flame that never goes out. It tires and it grinds me down and makes me cry in pain as the feeling of crackling embers and poisoned lightning shoot through my nerves. Classes are still going on and there will be a lot of posts moving forward because despite all the issues of self questioning this month I am going to update because a lot has changed in my space, but there are always problems people need to get through. For right now though it is nice to be back on this again. For all the bad this allowed me to get some things straight. Also, this happens to be part of a writing challenge that had been sticking in my craw for quite some time. No one has been able to win three competitions and no one except me has done two and still tried.
One other person has done two competitions and they had to leave after a set of time, so doing something that no one has done before in a field filled with everything from amateurs to professionals. That will be the part of another post because all this will be part of this, and maybe there will be a push to finally get everything out and yell screw it. There are a lot of posts to update his month, going to try for one a month and see where that leaves me. After so much time there is a lot to go over. Stay strong.
BigTAnderson in Portland 