life and purpose

End of The Dream, Chaotic Good

300 hours volunteered in a semester and a year. Since I started at uni my volunteer hours were being counted and now I have near doubled my last year of school between may 14th to now.

Always something to be done and always something to be better at.

So let me do something else.

When would it ever be enough?

After I achieve my goal of making the city better what would I want?

This made me think about it.

I would be happy maybe with someone that cares for all my eccentricities who I am and not what I bring to the table. To be able to do good for my city and watch as the sun rises on a new apex of industry, and just enjoy a life of fights and bloodshed and violence made to something positive and just enjoy it.

Do things I never did before. I never went to Japan, homeland of my aunt and her family. I never flew private, I don’t know what people do in such jets but it sounds nice. Go to Africa and see how people do film there and make stories. Learn to cook in a dozen cuisines, and actually dress nicely. I wear clothes out and having a proper wardrobe would be nice. Invest in farms.

Oh, the one thing I would do with money and power and time, is be an unbreakable immovable trickster. Hear me out, you know the kind of people who never had someone get in their way, then ones with money with no sense? Having someone come from what I did turn their ideas I disagree with to mulch is going to be infinitely entertaining.

A group of people want less farms and push farms needing expensive sets of equipment, I am going to equip every one of them in the state. If someone tries to get someone off land by being sneaky I am going to give my lawyers a bunch of caffeine and tell them the budget is open to six or seven digits plus and I want blood.

You know the guy who in some movies or shows just helps the little guy out not just because it’s a good idea but also because the people doing the dumb crap have more dollars than brain cells? That would be me. Not just because it is the right thing to do, but because I am going to be an evil little troll doing it.

I mean with enough companies you got to have loss leaders to balance your taxes. How many places can I burn money.

Go to a hospital department, ask what do you need and tell a doctor and a nurse to stuff a shopping cart like supermarket sweep. Do I know if the new cat scan machine can be delivered, no, but we will figure that out in the long run. When you have enough money and power being the asshole on the good guys team is a perfect place.

Work treatment shit. Build a factory set to a thirty-two-hour work week, pay them for forty set pay for part time to be similar to account for an addition 8-hour shift for free and just do it better. Would a lot of rich people think I am Loki reborn?

Because pissing off people while you do good things is the sort of things that would give me life. Seriously. I get to that point it may not be a long ride but it will be a kick.

Just a thought.

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Existential Nightmare

Since being hamstrung with all these medical issues, there has been a bit of a trap waiting for me. What has seemed like a little bit of reflection could very easily be turned to wondering something that a lot of us have a problem with grasping.

“Why am I here?”

These thoughts are often never fun stemming from negative experiences, or at least a negative mind frame, and when you are not feeling too good in your own head then you have to work almost ten times as hard. Even if it was something that you normally used to do.Once you lose the faith in yourself and wonder about your own meaning everything suddenly becomes almost impossible just as you explain to yourself that there is no reason to do it sapping all passion or skill you had for such things until all you can do is sit there and think about you own impending death.

Pretty depressing when you have to deal with it, but if you can get yourself through it then you can come out of it a lot more focused. I have three really big targets and a bunch of smaller ones which has been on here at various times. Bigger ones are pretty easy to guess, but it boils down to games, the company, and doing well for people.

Changing how I do everything due to the medical problems just make it harder, but not impossible. I just have to figure out another way to do it that maybe before I wouldn’t have thought, and it may seem so scary for others. I was terrified, and still am. Not being able to reach levels that were once easy just bothers me in that special way that headbutting walls seems therapeutic, not that it is possible.

So, thinking on the floor, wondering where life and I had our differences there was a memory that came back over and over.I think it reminded me of something I forgot so long ago and we shall see if there is a difference

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