why am i here

Ever Do Something and Ask Why Am I Here?

So I was invited to some training by the college and I took them up on it. The problem was now its full employment training. For those of you going

“Wait I thought you were just a student?”

You would be correct. They invited me once a while ago and removed me but then put me back. So ya, I am fully trained as an employee of the college. Why am I going through this? No idea. What does this provide me? Not a clue. Why would I do this? I don’t really do reasons much anymore, I sometimes just do and was able to fit it in my schedule. Every so often it seems that something just happens where we are all confused as to why or how I made this far. Mind you this is not just the first meeting. I did the rest of the online bits, pretty easily too. For some reason it is not the first time this has occurred. Some days, I get bored, and those days usually turn into new rule moments somewhere or someone.

Went to insurance sales training, wasn’t even hired by them, was offered a job because I knew they were training and after seeing me working through their training was shocked that someone got in so easily. Mind you, I am six feet tall and walk with a cane, there is not a lot of hiding that can be done for someone like me. If someone can not see me walking in somewhere that should not have me, well that is on the security. One could have the best cyber security, but if one can walk to their servers and just get the info by hand on an open computer then IT security doesn’t add to a stack of beans.

Just do things, sometimes it leads you to odd things. Chess matches with sex workers, invites to vampire balls, learn something new. Don’t know? Who really does jump right in there? You can get the basics down and from there bounce into more advanced. Life is chaos and day by day it seems to certify we are more in a clown show then ever, so enjoy it.

After all does it look like anyone truly know 100% what they are doing?

Ya, no.

I know I generally am more vinegar and salt, but there are times that you need to just enjoy the time.

Stay Strong and Have Fun

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Existential Nightmare

Since being hamstrung with all these medical issues, there has been a bit of a trap waiting for me. What has seemed like a little bit of reflection could very easily be turned to wondering something that a lot of us have a problem with grasping.

“Why am I here?”

These thoughts are often never fun stemming from negative experiences, or at least a negative mind frame, and when you are not feeling too good in your own head then you have to work almost ten times as hard. Even if it was something that you normally used to do.Once you lose the faith in yourself and wonder about your own meaning everything suddenly becomes almost impossible just as you explain to yourself that there is no reason to do it sapping all passion or skill you had for such things until all you can do is sit there and think about you own impending death.

Pretty depressing when you have to deal with it, but if you can get yourself through it then you can come out of it a lot more focused. I have three really big targets and a bunch of smaller ones which has been on here at various times. Bigger ones are pretty easy to guess, but it boils down to games, the company, and doing well for people.

Changing how I do everything due to the medical problems just make it harder, but not impossible. I just have to figure out another way to do it that maybe before I wouldn’t have thought, and it may seem so scary for others. I was terrified, and still am. Not being able to reach levels that were once easy just bothers me in that special way that headbutting walls seems therapeutic, not that it is possible.

So, thinking on the floor, wondering where life and I had our differences there was a memory that came back over and over.I think it reminded me of something I forgot so long ago and we shall see if there is a difference

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